It isn't love; it isn't hate; it's just indifference

I am a very emotional being. I have big feelings on both the positive and negative sides of the spectrum. I have a tendency to "feel" things that aren't even really feelings. And, as a bonus, I'm an empath, so I also feel the feelings of everyone else as well. For much of my life, I didn't even attempt to control my feelings (or emotional outbursts in certain private situations) because I thought that was just how I was meant to show up in the world--moved, for better or worse, by everything that happened. But in the last couple of years, I have made a practice of studying Stoic philosophy, and have been learning that it is often preferable--possibly even magical--to take a position of indifference. 

One of my favorite Stoic philosophers, Marcus Aurelius, had a lot to say about cultivating an attitude of indifference. Interestingly, most of the things he had to say about it were written in his private journal, which later became a book called Meditations. They were admonitions and reminders to himself about how he wanted to show up in the world, regardless of what his nature might be, which I suspect, based on his writings, might have had a similar emotional bent to mine. His goal was to improve himself as a person, to fight with every breath to combat the baser parts of his innate tendencies, and to become master of his emotions. A quote of his that has been meaningful and empowering to me is this: "You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can't control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone." In other words: "You have a choice. You don't have to be moved by everything that happens. You have permission to be indifferent." 

Have you ever been betrayed or hurt by someone you cared about deeply? If so, you understand that deep feelings don't just change overnight or because you will them to or even because another person hurts you. So what do you do with all those emotions? Where do they go? Very often, feelings of love or affection quickly turn to hate because loving a person who hurt you feels like it it no longer acceptable. I heard somewhere that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference and that you know you are healing when you start to feel indifference instead of hatred. Love and hate are actually just two ends of the same big emotion, but the opposite of either of them is indifference. This is a somewhat easy concept to understand academically, but for people who feel all the things, it's hard not to get worked up and let hate fester when love doesn't feel like an option. But hate is a heavy burden to carry. And my continued study of Stoic philosophy keeps reminding me that indifference is always an option, and usually a better one. You don't have to love the person who hurt you. But neither do you need to hate them. You own the option of having no opinion, which is where your power lies.

I have similar goals for my emotional life that I imagine Marcus Aurelius had. I want to grow as a person, and I want to combat my baser tendencies. I want to control my emotions and not let them control me. It is very hard work, but good and necessary. I have to consciously capture my thoughts and ask, "Do I need to have an opinion about this? Will it change anything, other than my peace of mind, if I get worked up over it?" I have to constantly remind myself that indifference is a valid option. It doesn't mean that I don't care at all. It means I choose the things to care about, and that I can even care about them deeply. I just don't have to get worked up over things I have no control over. And in that, there is peace and there is power.

I have a sort if silly example of embracing indifference. It was when my oldest son, a natural born debater, hit the logic stage of development--a stage that insists on questioning authority and arguing about anything and everything. At some point, I grew weary of the constant battles and debates over literally everything, and I decided that I simply wouldn't express an opinion and I wouldn't engage. Instead, I would only answer with, "Ok, cool, " neither agreeing nor disagreeing. It drove my son crazy because what he really wanted was to get a rise out of me or best me with his stellar arguments. And when he didn't, the "game" was no longer fun. I chose to have no opinion and to not get worked up about any of it, which created a bit more peace in our household. Being indifferent to all of the little debates did not make me indifferent to my son. I still loved him deeply, but I owned the option of having no opinion in certain situations.

So many situations are not asking to be judged by me, and I can simply leave them alone. I think our culture promotes attitudes of outrage, and people seem to be ready to get worked up over even the smallest things, especially on social media outlets where they feel they have a bit anonymity. But all this getting worked up isn't necessary, and it isn't healthy. Most things are not asking to be judged by us and we can simply leave them alone. This doesn't mean we become heartless, which is sometimes what people think Stoic philosophy is about. I can still shed a few tears with the woman in the drive-thru who just came from a doctor's appointment where she received a diagnosis of cancer. I can still hold my sobbing child who doesn't even know why he's sobbing. I can check in with a friend who is having a rough time and offer listening ears to anyone who needs them. I can care deeply. But I also own the option of having no opinion, of being indifferent. And I can tell you from personal experience, there is something magical about indifference, especially if you are a very feely person. It takes training, and it's not easy, but if you can get to that point, it is very freeing.