The Burden of Gratitude

Working in the drive-thru the day after Christmas led to lots of conversations with people about how their Christmas was. Generally, there was a string of "goods" and "greats" and the question being reciprocated back to me. But when I asked one lady if she had a nice Christmas, she replied candidly that she doesn't really like this time of year. I was sympathetic to this sentiment because I know the holidays can feel difficult for people for all sorts of reasons. I didn't ask her to explain, but she chose to elaborate and her reason kind of surprised me. She said she just really hates having to feel grateful for gifts she didn't really want. She seemed truly burdened and I felt bad for her. She couldn't come up with anything pleasant about the holiday and couldn't even manage to be grateful for the heart of the giver, even if they missed the mark on giving the perfect gift. She could only focus on the burden of gratitude. 

As with most drive-thru conversations, it was brief and almost certainly didn't leave me with a full picture of what her life is like. But I couldn't stop thinking about the "burden of gratitude" and how that shows up in my life sometimes as well. Gratitude has gotten me through the very darkest moments of my life, and I believe absolutely in its power. It makes even the bare minimum enough. It can create a portal for joy even in a dismal situation. As Cicero said, "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others." 

But as much as I believe these things to be true, I admit there have also been many times when I felt the burden to be grateful for the gifts Life has given me--things I didn't want or ask for, things that didn't seem to be a good fit, things that ran counter to my expectations or desires. It reminds me of one Christmas when I was in middle school and my mom gave me a cassette tape (Yes, I'm THAT old) of an artist I had never heard of. All I really knew was that it wasn't one of the cool singers that all my friends were listening to, and in all my angsty teenage glory, I couldn't even find a way to force gratitude. I threw the tape aside and declared it a dumb gift. And my mother, in her justifiable shock and disgust at my poor attitude, demanded I turn the tape back over to her. A few hours later, remorse kicked in. I felt terrible about the way I had treated my mom and understood I had very clearly disrespected her by disrespecting her gift. I still didn't really want the tape, but I did want to repair the rift I had created in my relationship with my mom. I understood that she had given me a gift she thought was good and that I could be grateful that she even bothered to get me a gift at all. I went to her and apologized, and she returned the tape to me. A few days later, I decided to pop it in my cassette player, just to see what it was. One of the songs turned out to be one I absolutely loved and played over and over throughout the next few years. I even have that song on my playlist now because I still enjoy it and because it reminds me of that time in my life. 

In that instance and many others since, I have felt the temptation to complain about gifts I have received and to justify my bad attitude. But Life often gives beautiful gifts messily wrapped. It gives things we don't think we want and that don't appear to be good on the surface. And it's easy to hate having to feel grateful for them, even when we know that gratitude itself is the secret to making an unwanted gift actually much beloved. 

As the new year approaches, I am examining how things have gone this year and how I want things to change as I step into the next chapter. I can see times this year when I wasn't grateful and times when even the idea of gratitude felt like a burden. I can also see times when I was grateful for every little thing. I know the latter are the times I felt better--happier, healthier, and more peaceful. One of my words for 2025 is contentment, and I believe that only comes from a grateful heart. My wish for all of us is that gratitude wouldn't be a burden but that it would be the activator that makes all Life's gifts absolutely perfect. 

The Word of the Year

I spend a lot of time in self-examination throughout the year, trying to learn from who I've been in the past, pondering who I am in the present, and thinking about who I want to be in the future. But I spend a little extra time on those things as the year starts to wind down and a new year sits tantalizing and inviting, with all it's intrigue and potential, shyly waving me over like a new friend. I am not one for true New Year's resolutions. Rather, I constantly strive for self-improvement in incremental steps that are easier to take than the huge leaps that almost guarantee failure. But even though I'm not a true resolution girl, I have become a "word" girl. I have chosen a word (or words) for myself the last couple years--or rather the words have chosen me. In a magical process I don't fully understand, the words have come to me, and I have known with certainty that they were to be the theme of my entire year. 

My word for 2020 was "gratitude," which I received way before I knew the kind of year 2020 was going to be for me personally and for the world at large. I am certain that having that word as the backdrop for that year was instrumental in helping me survive it. 

For 2021, I was given "love" and "forgiveness." I really struggled with these words at first, but I knew I needed healing in my life and those seemed like stretch goals and therefore good ones to aim for, so I decided to fully embrace them. I assumed I would mostly need to apply them to relationships with other people, and I did have the opportunity to do a fair amount of that. But what surprised and delighted me (and made me decidedly uncomfortable sometimes) was how often I was able to apply them to myself and how very much I needed them. I have learned that loving myself--and by extension, forgiving myself--is everything. Only when I love and forgive myself can I show up for myself, my kids, my friends, my co-workers, and even perfect strangers in any sort of meaningful way. I can only truly love others when I truly love me, and after a year of digging in on that, I can say I absolutely do.

The words I've been given for 2022 are "happiness" and "joy." My understanding of the difference in the words is that happiness is more of a temporary, circumstantial experience, and joy is more of a permanent mindset which is not dependant on any particular circumstance. I'm excited to surround myself in the coming year with people and experiences that contribute to both of these. And I'm thankful I have granted myself permission to fully explore them. I want 2022 to be a year of smiles, laughter, and fun, and I want to feel a sense of joy, even during times that may feel difficult. 

It is interesting to me that the words I've been given these last few years have a cumulative effect. If I had not learned gratitude, I would not have been able to learn love and forgiveness. And without fully embracing love and forgiveness, I would not be able to seek happiness and joy. 

Do you pick a word for the year (or does one pick you)? If so, I would love to hear what your word for 2022 is or what some of your words have been in the past and the story of how they have shaped you. If not, maybe you want to consider choosing a word to act as your guide through this new year.

I wish you all kinds of hope, beauty, and magic in 2022!

20 Things I'm Thankful for in 2020

This year has without a doubt been the most challenging of my life. It was filled with heartache and disappointment on so many levels. But weeks before I ever opened the first page of my 2020 calendar, I came up with my word of the year, which was "gratitude." And I have been intentional to seek that out every single day of this crazy year, even on the days when it was really hard to pin down. I don't think it would be much of an exaggeration to say it has been the anchor that has held me steady in the midst of the storm that was this year. So, without further ado, here is a list of 20 things I'm thankful for in 2020, in no particular order:

1. I didn't come into the year planning to start a new job, but I've actually had the opportunity to do two new jobs this year, both of which have been just what I needed. I am incredibly thankful I found work I love, is super flexible, and has excellent benefits. 

2. Like most of the rest of the world, my kids and I were not thrilled to be thrown into lockdown in the spring. However, when I look back on it, I am extremely thankful for that time with my kids. Together, we played games, went for walks, cooked meals, baked goodies, worked on projects, found creative outlets, figured out Zoom meetings, cried and raged at circumstances beyond our control, watched movies, laughed hysterically, engaged in meaningful conversations, and bonded in ways I'm sure we would not have been able to under normal life circumstances.

3. This year, more than any other, has taught me how fleeting time with my kids is and how special it is to have them in my daily life. I am thankful I was chosen to be their mom. And I'm thankful I get to be here to drive them to/from school; I get to have dinner with them most evenings; I get to attend their activities; I get to talk with them about the big and little things; I get to live life with them on the easy days AND on the hard days. 

4. I'm thankful I have made some new friends this year. Some I deliberately sought out by joining groups, and some just fell into my life while I was going about my regular business, like waiting on my car at the mechanic shop.

5. I'm also thankful I had opportunities to reconnect with old friends. Whether it was local friends I hadn't seen or heard from in a while or friends spread out all over the world, I relished every phone call, text, DM, card, package, and in-person get together.

6. Money in and of itself is not one of my main motivators, though I certainly understand and appreciate that it is necessary. But in a year that had the potential to wreak economic havoc (and did for many), I am thankful for the financial stability I experienced. 

7. I am so very thankful that my kids and I managed to get through this pandemic year in excellent physical health and that we were able to work through mental health issues as they came up. 

8. A couple of years ago, I felt like I kind of "lost my words," which is a hard thing for someone who considers herself a writer. I am thankful I seem to be finding them again through journaling and this blog.

9. Nature and exercise are two of the things that keep me sane and make me happy. I'm thankful this year has provided even more opportunities than usual to go on walks and hikes. 

10. Speaking of nature, I have developed an obsession with the sky this year, and I'm thankful for so many incredible sunrises, sunsets, cloud formations, rainbows, stars, and other celestial wonders.

11. I'm thankful that, in a year where travel wasn't really possible for me like it has been in the past, I was able to find and create lots of local adventures. Sometimes we miss the great things that are right in front of us if we're too busy looking for adventure in the elusive "elsewhere." I'm glad I've been able to find it right where I am.

12. All but one of my kids started attending new schools this year. This could have been difficult in normal times. It could have been devastating in this year of chaos. But I am beyond thankful that all of the kids have adjusted well and are happy and thriving in their respective schools.

13. So many people show up every day to do the work that needs to be done, whether there's a pandemic on or not. I am so thankful for the essential workers who kept the world running when the need was greater than ever. 

14. Likewise, I am thankful for people who have extended kindness, empathy, support, and offers to help--both in my personal life and in the world at large. Mr. Rogers said when he was young and would see scary things in the news, he was comforted by his mother's words: "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." This year of crisis has certainly brought out the helpers, and what a comfort they've been!

15. Before I go to bed every night, I spend a few minutes practicing yoga and meditation. I am so thankful I established this routine before the chaos of 2020 hit and that I have been able to maintain this restorative practice throughout this year. I believe it has been important in helping me maintain health in mind, body, and spirit. 

16. I'm thankful I have become reacquainted with Stoic philosophy this year. There is so much timeless wisdom there, which I have enjoyed exploring and being challenged by.

17. In the past couple of years, personal growth has been one of my greatest interests and pursuits. The difficulty with this is that it most often comes at the hands of a crisis, which no one ever really wishes for. I'm thankful that 2020 has provided so many opportunities for personal growth. Truly, that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

18. I'm thankful for new skills learned this year, either through necessity or desire. 

19. In this year when the world shut down, there have been more quiet moments than in years past, as plans were cancelled (or never made) and free time became abundant. There have been times in my life when quiet moments felt like something to be feared because they meant I was left alone with my churning, whirling thoughts that I had difficulty making sense of. And to be perfectly honest, many of the quiet moments were uncomfortable for me this year as well. But I'm thankful that this year forced the issue and allowed me to embrace those quiet moments and sit with myself so I could know myself better and become a better version of me.  

20. In the course of the contemplations and thought work that took place in those quiet moments, I have learned some things about myself. I'm thankful I have been able to realize this year that I am strong, brave, beautiful, capable, enough, and kind of amazing. 

What are the things you are most thankful for this year?

Gratitude

Want to know the secret to a happy life? Live each moment of each day in gratitude. That's it. There is nothing more to it. Actively look for things you can be thankful for, no matter how big or small. Make lists of things/people/experiences you are thankful for in your phone. Write them out in a journal. Say them out loud to someone or just to yourself. Ponder them often. When you are feeling disgruntled with a person or situation, conjure up something--anything--to be thankful for about him/her/it. If gratitude is not your default setting, it will not feel natural at first, and your mind will rebel because it's job is to prepare you to deal with problems, not to just sit back and enjoy how good you have it. But when you practice gratitude regularly, your brain will eventually chill out and start to go with it. (But, never fear! It will still be able to help you out with problems when the need arises!) Take a look around at the people you know who truly seem to be happy. I guarantee you they are also the most grateful people you know. 

If you don't already have a regular gratitude practice, here are some of the things that I have implemented (am implementing) that have helped me get in and stay in a thankful mindset:

• I always buy a planner for myself to start the new year that has plenty of room to write on each day. It takes up residence on my bedside table and before I go to bed every night, I write down at least three things from the day or from life in general that I am thankful for. I'm not going to lie, there have been days when all I could come up with was something like, "I'm thankful this day is over!" That still counts! Sometimes I get very specific and sometimes I'm super generalized. Pro tip: It DOES NOT matter what you write. The point is to acknowledge the things you are thankful for--big or small. (And if you can't come up with three, aim for at least one.) I have been doing this for years, and I believe it puts my mind in a peaceful place before bed, and it gives me something tangible to look back during those times when it's more difficult to come up with something. It reminds me there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for! And I think this practice has absolutely made me a happier person. 
• Sometimes when I'm driving to work or on my way to pick up my kids from school, in my car all alone, I speak my gratitude aloud. There is truly something magical about hearing the words out loud. I find this method especially effective when my mind is stubbornly trying to dwell on people or situations I'm annoyed with. It is difficult, if not impossible, to feel both gratitude and frustration at the same time. Thinking and speaking the gratitude simply take up too much brain energy for it to continue to focus on the annoyance. 
• I try (and still need to practice) speaking gratitude to the people I interact with throughout the day--whether that's with a stranger I may never see again, a coworker I'm with every day, or my dearest loved ones who live under my roof. (Note: Those in the last group are sometimes the hardest to show my gratitude to, so I have to be a bit more mindful with them.) If someone holds a door so I can enter, or restocks supplies that make my job easier, or feeds the dog (even if I had to ask them to do it), I try to appreciate the act and acknowledge it to the person. 
• I spend as much time in nature as I can, and I make a point of being grateful for gorgeous sunrises and sunsets, just-right temperatures, beautiful flowers, mesmerizing skies, interesting creatures, breathtaking scenery, quiet places, a rock to rest on, the magic of rainbows, etc. I try to let myself feel awed and to take the time to really see and appreciate the beauty all around me. 

I have by no means perfected the art and grace of living in a state of constant gratitude, but I know for sure when I am in that place, I am happier and more peaceful than when I am not. And I know for sure that a life lived in gratitude is a happy life indeed.