The slow path to peace

I live a very fast-paced life. Life with my kids--and all their activities--keeps me hopping. My work is generally a whirlwind that never stops while I'm on the clock. And most of the time, when I have a day off, I have close to a million adulty things I need to get done. But every once in a while, I will have a day off with nothing in particular that I need to check off my to-do list. (The adulty stuff never really goes away, but sometimes it's not so pressing.) On those days, I sometimes have a little bit of a panicky feeling. Or feelings of guilt. Or, on my darker days, feelings of not being enough. I am comfortable with the fast pace, in part because my personality is one of a mover, but also because it's what I'm used to and because it's what I've been taught makes a life important. I actually sometimes feel a little triggered to not have anything to do--as if I will somehow not be valuable or lovable on those days. After putting in lots of work on myself, I'm usually self-aware enough these days to realize when those thoughts are creeping in and threatening to take over, so I can have a little conversation with myself and not sink into a pit of despair. But it takes some effort to overcome the voices that have been playing in your head, dictating your worth, for so many years. 

Like most Americans, I have been conditioned to believe that my worth is tied to and actually dependent on my performance and productivity. We live in a do more, have more, be more culture that looks on rest as weakness and a slow pace as laziness. But as I'm starting to prioritize peace more in my life, I'm beginning to realize that performance and productivity are not the paths that lead to peace. Quite the opposite really. They are poor measures of a life well-lived and an even poorer measure of a person's value. In fact, there is plenty of research that indicates that high-stress, performance-based, go-go-go lives lead to a whole host of physical and mental illnesses that are not seen at nearly the same rates in cultures that prioritize rest and simple living. Rest is not weakness but power. And slowing down is not laziness but an invitation to intentionality. I am serious about taking care of my responsibilities, but I'm learning that just being is enough. Busyness is not a merit badge. There isn't a prize at the end of this short life for being the most productive human (and how would you measure it even if there was?!). There also isn't a prize for being the most peaceful human. But I know for sure which kind of human I'd rather be. I understand now that I have inherent value that isn't tied to my accomplishments...or lack thereof. So, I'm learning to take those slow days as the gifts they are. 

On those rare, beautiful, slow days, I'm allowing myself to go for long walks, which sometimes lead me to lovely unplanned conversations with neighbor friends I haven't seen in far too long, and read books that encourage and challenge and entertain me, and watch magical sunsets that assure me all is right with the world, and take naps that restore and rejuvenate me when the fast pace has been too much. I have slow coffee dates and lunch dates. I engage in unrushed conversations and meaningful moments with myself and others. I sit with my thoughts and try to untangle them. I write words and take pictures that are not tied to a paycheck. I play online Scrabble and Wordle, just because it's fun for me to arrange letters into words. And sometimes I get to the end of a slow day, and I have "nothing" to show for it except a peaceful spirit, and that's okay with me. I still have to remind myself that I have nothing to feel guilty about and that not accomplishing anything of note doesn't have anything to do with my value as a person, but I'm learning to truly relish the slow path to peace. 

If you wish to improve

For pretty much my whole life, I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy. I learned early on that there is value in being smart and clever (in ways that society deems you ought to be) and no value in being stupid or unintelligent (or seeming to be so in virtually any situation). Since I understood the game from a young age, I made it my mission--in order to gain acceptance--to be "smart." I consistently made A's throughout grade school and high school and beat myself up mightily for the few Bs that made appearances on report cards. When I got to college and some Cs started to creep in, I fully accepted the fact that I was a failure and basically unworthy. And that mentality stuck with me for much of my adult life. I believed I wasn't really that smart and therefore didn't really have much value. Being seen as (or perceiving being seen as) "stupid" by anyone for pretty much anything became a huge trigger for me, which would almost guarantee me lashing out or shutting down. Eventually, I learned to just avoid situations and conversations that made me feel dumb (and there were many!), which left me stuck in a place of non-growth and action paralysis much of the time. Because to step into the unknown and try something new, to grow and become, to improve in life, you have to be a learner. And, by definition, a learner does not yet know it all. They have not become an expert...yet. And they will certainly not always seem "smart"--to themselves or to others. 

I have recently received a promotion at work, which is exciting, but which has put me squarely in the learner's camp. And, honestly, so much about it sucks. I went from being one of the most knowledgeable people in my workplace--even teaching others how to do the job--to feeling like I know nothing. And, truthfully, it is way more fun to be the expert than it is to be the bumbling newbie who makes tons of mistakes. Being a learner doesn't feed the ego in any way, and it can make you feel inadequate and even like a fraud. Uncomfortable feelings, to be sure. 

I have spent a tremendous amount of time and energy in the last several years unlearning unhealthy mindsets and retraining my brain to think differently. Thankfully, I know now that I am truly smart--and more than that, I am wise. (And, I've come to understand that my opinion of myself matters infinitely more than the opinions others have for me.) I know that I have intrinsic value that isn't in any way tied to being "smart." I seek constant improvement but do not shame myself for not yet being an expert. I have come to appreciate Epictetus' words: "If you wish to improve, be content to appear clueless or stupid in extraneous matters--don't wish to seem knowledgeable. And if some regard you as important, distrust yourself." The only way to improve is to enter a phase of cluelessness, and we must learn to be content with the uncomfortable feelings that come along with that. We must sit with them long enough to get over the hump so we can eventually become experts. And we need to realize there will always be--and always should be--areas of our lives where we are learners. 

Value

I have recently encountered several people, in a variety of situations, who are feeling the sting of rejection and have felt that it means something personal about their worth. This has included people losing jobs and struggling to find new ones, people in the throes of a difficult break-up, people who don't have the relationship they would like to have with their kids or parents or whomever. I have had many of these experiences myself and feel a visceral understanding of the deep pain rejection brings. Often times, when I realize I am encountering the same scenarios over and over in my personal life and in the lives of people around me, it prompts me to dig a little deeper and find the learning opportunity or the bigger message in it all. And, sometimes, that prompts me to write. So here I am. 

Here's what I've learned: Someone else's inability to see or understand our value does not make us any less valuable. Sometimes a person can be in possession of a treasure and not recognize its value. And sometimes a treasure may stay buried in the ground and unknown to the world. However, it is not less valuable just because the person currently in possession of it isn't aware of its value or someone has not yet discovered it. The value is inherent to the treasure. It's what makes it a treasure in the first place.

Of course, we all want someone else to validate us and tell us our worth, but this is not something we need. Sometimes it seems easier to wait for someone else to assign us value and then blame others when we feel worthless, but here's the thing: we are valuable regardless of what someone else thinks of us (or doesn't think of us) or whether another person even acknowledges our existence. We have inherent value, and it is our special task to find the value in ourselves. But sometimes we resist seeing and acknowledging our own value because that requires work. It requires questioning and maybe disagreeing with stories we've been telling ourselves for a long time and deciding to tell a new story. It requires blocking out the cacophony of voices all around us with messages that suit their needs but not necessarily ours. It requires taking back our power and being responsible for ourselves. It requires polishing those places that don't quite shine the way we'd like for them to. It means asking, "What am I making this mean?" And when we answer that question, asking, "But is that really true?" And then going one step further by asking, "How would I respond to a friend who is feeling this way?" and "How can I change the way I show up for myself when I feel this way?" And then, taking the action needed to change the narrative.

Depending on your particular brain wiring and life experiences, it may be especially difficult to see your own value. Or you may feel like seeing your own value "doesn't count" or makes you arrogant. But listen, friend: YOU ARE VALUABLE, AND YOU DON'T NEED SOMEONE ELSE TO CONFIRM THAT FACT. You have the power within you to acknowledge and live your value whether anyone else acknowledges it or not. 

We don't really live in a world that encourages us to see and truly appreciate our worth. When we do it anyway, we are often told we are vain, conceited, arrogant, boastful, and lacking humility. (You can cross a line here, but just acknowledging your worth does not even get you close to that line.) We are also constantly told, in a variety of ways, by a variety of people, that we don't have value or that we aren't enough unless we [fill in the blank]. In fact, marketers depend on their ability to make you feel "less than" so they can sell you whatever is going to make you "enough." It's a lie. Plain and simple. You have value. You are a treasure. And that fact isn't changed by someone else's inability to see it or acknowledge it. Allow yourself to fully absorb this message. And then live every day of your life in that truth. When you accept your value for what it is and don't look for validation outside of yourself, you will be amazed at how much you lessen the pain of rejection in your life and are able to fully embrace the valuable life you've been given.