A review of my year of happiness and joy

Hi there. Remember me? I used to have thoughts and write about them here, but it's been a minute since I've done either of those things. Here we are, a week into a new year--which is absolutely astounding to me--and I have finally decided to prioritize sitting down with my thoughts to see if I can unravel them enough to make any sense. I feel like I need to unpack the year we just left behind and begin exploring the year ahead. 

I began 2022 in a state of depression, after claiming "happiness" and "joy" as my words of the year. That didn't seem to bode well, and I spent some time feeling like a failure for not being able to step into what I believed the Universe had for me, which led to a deeper state of depression. I found the words hard to define and harder to capture. I believed these things would be found in a source outside myself but I could not seem to find where they were kept. And then another word came to me: alone. It didn't seem like a very happy word and was not one I wanted to focus on, but I decided to let the Universe have its way, so I embraced it. I began to understand that happiness and joy could not be manufactured outside of myself and that I was the only source for these things. I spent copious amounts of time alone with my thoughts and got really comfortable with being my own best friend. A couple of months into 2022 the fog began to lift and I started to feel really good about who I was as a person, which helped me show up better in every area of my life, which led to more joy in every area of my life. I realized I didn't need someone else to validate me and that the treasure trove of happiness and joy had existed inside of me all along and that there was no need to look for it elsewhere. And even if every day didn't feel particularly happy, a new sense of contentment came over me and joy began to grow in my heart. It became easier to see the beauty and magic in each day, and that felt a lot like happiness. 

I wish that was the end of the story because it does make a very tidy and uplifting story: depressed girl finds herself and lives happily ever after. But that isn't the end of the story. It makes for pleasant reading, but "happily ever after" isn't really a thing. And I am trying very hard to be true to my whole story--not just the parts that are ready-made for an Instagram post. I don't want to hide from the difficult chapters of my story or pretend they don't exist. 

Depression settled in for me again in the fall, when my baby moved overseas to live with his dad. This was a decision he made for himself, and I absolutely feel that giving him this autonomy was and is the right thing to do. I am pleased that he seems happy and is having so many amazing experiences. I would never want to take those things away from him. But I'll be real honest: not getting to regularly see his mischievous smile or hear his infectious laugh or give him a hug before bed or listen to his engaging stories--both real and imagined--or relish his banter with his brothers or share the big and little life experiences with him has felt like a slow suffocation to me. And because our situation is so unique, there is no one with whom I can share this grief. In general, people are kind, which I appreciate so much, but I have not met anyone who has had an experience even remotely close to mine or who can offer any consolation. And the me that became my best friend early in the year sometimes seems to have lost the strength to support me under this new and heartbreaking weight that I was in no way prepared for, even though I knew it was coming for months before it became a reality. 

Overall, I do think 2022 truly was a year of happiness and joy. I stood in awe of countless breathtaking sunrises and sunsets. I made new friends and deepened friendships I already had. I met a unicorn and opened my heart to new possibilities. I spent quality time with the people who matter most to me and spent less time with people and situations that felt toxic. I deeply appreciated the beauty of nature, the taste of delicious food and drink, the blessing of enriching conversations. I watched my kids do the things they love, and I put energy into doing things I love as well. I tried to live in the moment and to control the things I can control and let go of the rest. I danced. I sang. I laughed. I smiled. And I am so very thankful for all of it! 

But I have learned that a happy life does not always feel happy. Sometimes it's feels like screaming profanities at the top of your lungs when no one else is around. And sometimes it feels like ugly crying in your shower until you can hardly stand. And sometimes it feels like dissociating from everyone and everything and feeling numb just to get through the day. These moments are real and are as much a part of my year of happiness and joy as any of the things previously mentioned. Without these moments, I might not even have recognized the happiness that I experienced in the other moments. 

Some of you will read this and will worry about me or feel sorry for me. Please don't. I'm okay. Really. I am still able to function every day. I am able to take care of my responsibilities and to to do that well. I am still able to smile and laugh and dance and sing and find beauty and magic in the world around me. I am able to enjoy the company of others and even be a comfort to friends that are dealing with their own traumas. Joy still resides in my broken heart, and even on my dark days, I still believe in and look for sunshine. And I think that's what happiness truly is: not a lack of brokenness, but finding joy even in the midst of it.

My words for 2023 are "brave" and "peace," and I'm eager to see how they will play out for me. At first I thought it was strange that those were the two words that came to me because they seem a bit contradictory. Being brave often doesn't feel peaceful. It pushes you out of your comfort zone and makes you face your fears, and that is always uncomfortable. But the act of being brave leads to peace if you can see it through. I will be leaning in to acts of bravery this year, even if they seem small, and I will be pursuing peace like it is my full time job. I will probably also neglect to be brave or choose peace from time to time, but I will not beat myself up for that. And that will be its own act of bravery that leads to peace.

To anyone reading this, thank you for letting me be real and vulnerable. I wish you all the best this year has to offer. I hope you find happiness and joy even in your brokenness and that you find the courage to be brave in your pursuit of peace this year. I would love to know if you have your own word/words for the year so I can cheer you on as you try to manifest them in your life. 

Less Unhappy

As many of you know, I have declared 2022 my year of "happiness" and "joy." As you may also know, I began the year under a cloud of depression that made it difficult to even imagine those concepts, much less embrace them. Thankfully, I have managed to pull myself out of that pit and am in a place of true peace in my mind. 

There has never been a time when I believed happiness and joy would just fall into my lap or that it would be a once-and-done type of situation. I know they must be pursued and chosen every single day. Honestly, I still struggle to give myself permission to seek them--much less demand them--so long has been my habit of believing they weren't attitudes I was entitled to. But I know (though I forget and fall into old habits sometimes) that this is for sure what 2022 has for me and that I deserve every bit of it. Unfortunately, there is not always a clearcut path to happiness and joy, and I'm honestly not really sure if I would always know them if I saw them. So, it's interesting that, rather than just throw happiness and joy at me, this year is sort of backing into it by showing me things that don't make me happy and that don't create joy in my life. And I suddenly have a burning desire to eliminate those things from my life, even if they are things I have tolerated for months or years. 

Just this week, I have taken several steps in that direction. I have gotten rid of my chipped and stained dishes, which made me sad every time I looked at them, and replaced them with new dishes that feel like a pleasure to use. I discarded my cracked recycling bin and replaced it with a fully intact one. I threw out some dead houseplants that I was hoping against hope would have a second chance at life. And I ripped up my warped, eye sore (and foot sore every time I tripped on it) of a deck that was acting as a hideout for what I'm sure was one of the largest rat kingdoms of all time. 

I cannot proclaim to you that any of these acts necessarily made me happier, and in fact, they sort of seem like small, silly things to focus on in the grand scheme of the pursuit of happiness. But, here's the thing: they all made me less unhappy, which seems like a very good step in the right direction and one I will gladly take. Who knows, maybe the secret to a happy life is simply to become less unhappy in whatever circumstances you find yourself in, changing those things you can change and accepting the rest. 

An Opportunity to Practice Smile Meditation

In an act of sheer brilliance and inspiration, I chose my words for 2022--JOY and HAPPINESS--and announced them joyously and happily to the world. Then, I immediately turned around and ran head first into a thick and unyielding wall of anxiety that knocked me down a deep, dark hole of depression that I haven't yet completely found my way out of. 

I know that doesn't seem much like the stuff of hope, beauty, and magic, but I'm just really trying to keep it real here. And, even though I'm generally on a path of chasing rainbows, that doesn't mean I'm always finding them. To find rainbows, we all have to walk through storm clouds, and that's where I am right now. No point in pretending otherwise. I am working on trying to climb out of the pit, but it's a slow process, as you know well if you've ever been there, and it takes a tremendous amount of energy, which depression is very good at zapping.

One low-energy technique I'm trying to employ is smile meditation, which I recently read about and am very much intrigued by. (I have been aware of the concept for a while but only became familiar with this term for it in my recent reading.) All you do is sit and smile. Seems simple in theory. Feels difficult in practice. There is actually a ton of brain research on this idea that proves that smiling--even if it's fake--for at least 10 seconds, can literally switch up the signals in the brain and create happier feelings in a person, even if nothing else changes. I think I can probably find the energy to sit and smile for 10-30 seconds a couple of times a day, even on my worst days, so I'm giving it a shot. And, now that I think about it, the fact that I'm even trying to do something to change and to improve is exactly the stuff of hope, beauty, and magic, so I feel sure I'll eventually find the rainbows I'm looking for.

The Word of the Year

I spend a lot of time in self-examination throughout the year, trying to learn from who I've been in the past, pondering who I am in the present, and thinking about who I want to be in the future. But I spend a little extra time on those things as the year starts to wind down and a new year sits tantalizing and inviting, with all it's intrigue and potential, shyly waving me over like a new friend. I am not one for true New Year's resolutions. Rather, I constantly strive for self-improvement in incremental steps that are easier to take than the huge leaps that almost guarantee failure. But even though I'm not a true resolution girl, I have become a "word" girl. I have chosen a word (or words) for myself the last couple years--or rather the words have chosen me. In a magical process I don't fully understand, the words have come to me, and I have known with certainty that they were to be the theme of my entire year. 

My word for 2020 was "gratitude," which I received way before I knew the kind of year 2020 was going to be for me personally and for the world at large. I am certain that having that word as the backdrop for that year was instrumental in helping me survive it. 

For 2021, I was given "love" and "forgiveness." I really struggled with these words at first, but I knew I needed healing in my life and those seemed like stretch goals and therefore good ones to aim for, so I decided to fully embrace them. I assumed I would mostly need to apply them to relationships with other people, and I did have the opportunity to do a fair amount of that. But what surprised and delighted me (and made me decidedly uncomfortable sometimes) was how often I was able to apply them to myself and how very much I needed them. I have learned that loving myself--and by extension, forgiving myself--is everything. Only when I love and forgive myself can I show up for myself, my kids, my friends, my co-workers, and even perfect strangers in any sort of meaningful way. I can only truly love others when I truly love me, and after a year of digging in on that, I can say I absolutely do.

The words I've been given for 2022 are "happiness" and "joy." My understanding of the difference in the words is that happiness is more of a temporary, circumstantial experience, and joy is more of a permanent mindset which is not dependant on any particular circumstance. I'm excited to surround myself in the coming year with people and experiences that contribute to both of these. And I'm thankful I have granted myself permission to fully explore them. I want 2022 to be a year of smiles, laughter, and fun, and I want to feel a sense of joy, even during times that may feel difficult. 

It is interesting to me that the words I've been given these last few years have a cumulative effect. If I had not learned gratitude, I would not have been able to learn love and forgiveness. And without fully embracing love and forgiveness, I would not be able to seek happiness and joy. 

Do you pick a word for the year (or does one pick you)? If so, I would love to hear what your word for 2022 is or what some of your words have been in the past and the story of how they have shaped you. If not, maybe you want to consider choosing a word to act as your guide through this new year.

I wish you all kinds of hope, beauty, and magic in 2022!