When Will I Find My Bosom Friend?

My daughter was an early and prolific reader, which occasionally gave her a speaking vocabulary that was a little unusual for someone her age and living in modern times. When she was around eight or nine, while reading Anne of Green Gables, she came to me one evening and a little dramatically asked, "Mom, when will I find my bosom friend?" I think I chuckled a little under my breath at the drama and then probably gave her the only answer that made any sense, "You'll find them when the time is right." It was such a genuine and wholesome question, but I remember it struck me at the time as so legitimate. Because I was also wondering at that time and had been wondering for years (and am still wondering now!) when I would find MY bosom friend, even if I hadn't thought to put it in those terms. 

Generally speaking a "bosom friend" is a very close, deeply trusted friend with whom you share your deepest secrets, thoughts, and personal feelings and with whom you have an unbreakable emotional bond, even across time and distance. I have had many friends and even very close friends throughout my life, but mostly they have felt like "seasonal" friendships--close for a time and then no longer a regular part of my life. I am grateful for all of those friendships and believe them all to have been exactly the people I needed in my life at exactly the moment they were there, and I hope those people share a similar feeling about me. I just haven't really had the experience of deep, enduring friendships that span time and distance and carry that unbreakable emotional bond. 

I hear about the importance of female friendships often, and I see others enjoying girls' weekends with ladies they've known since childhood or college and think how amazing that seems, but it honestly all just feels very mysterious to me. This isn't me feeling sorry for myself. In general, I feel pretty content with my life and don't often think of it as lacking, and I do have beautiful friendships that I cherish. But recently, standing in a dressing room trying on dress after dress while shopping for something appropriate to wear to my now grown daughter's upcoming wedding and feeling desperately like I wanted another trusted woman's opinion, I thought to myself with a nostalgic smile, "When will I find my bosom friend?" 

I wanted someone to tell me how the dresses really looked, to know me and my preferences well enough to pick out the perfect dress for me to try on, to laugh with about the hideous ones, to bounce not only wedding wardrobe ideas off but the complicated emotions of having grown children who are stepping into lives apart from me and the challenge of finding myself in a new chapter that doesn't quite make sense to me yet. 

Perhaps, like I told my daughter all those years ago, I'll find my bosom friend when the time is right. Or maybe a bosom friend is necessarily someone you meet when you're young and you grow with into that type of friendship over time. Or possibly not everyone is meant to have a bosom friend, and some of us are better suited for seasonal friendships, which is an option I'm truly okay with. 

I'm genuinely curious: If you have a "bosom friend," I'd love to know how you met and how you knew this was your person. Have you known each other since childhood, or did you meet later in life? Were you bosom friends at first sight or did the friendship take a while to develop? 

The Least Interesting Person in the Room

Someone once told me I would "always be the least interesting person in the room." Since this declaration was coming from someone whose opinion I cared about deeply, it was a devastating blow. It cut me to my core and rattled around pretty loudly in my head for a long time. It's been a while now since this proclamation was made, and at this point, I rarely ever think about those words that once hurt me so badly. But earlier this summer, the cruel little voice that lives in my head and sometimes speaks up when I let my guard down decided to bring it up. The words no longer have the power to hurt me, but they did make me curious.

For most of my life, I struggled to feel deeply loved or truly valued--mainly, I know now, because I struggled to love myself. And I tried to compensate for that by becoming a people pleaser. I imagined if I just gave no one a reason to not like me, then I would be protected from being unloveable. So, way back when I heard these particular hurtful words, I took them to heart, as they seemed to confirm a fear that felt like reality in my mind. I have been actively working on healing that part of my mind for years. It is a slow process, and even when I think I have arrived at complete healing, I can still sometimes be triggered by old wounds.

Lucky for me, I am now able to recognize this cruel voice for the liar it is, and I'm able to see that those words that seemed directed toward me all those years ago probably had more to do with the fears of the speaker about themself than about me. I know without a doubt that I am deeply loved by some and that to a rare few I am actually quite interesting. And, honestly, that's perfect. I am satisfied with a few really genuine connections and don't need to be liked/admired/loved/approved of by everyone. It's okay with me for some to think me the least interesting person in the room, and I do not hold that against them. I'm definitely not everyone's cup of tea.

I have been reflecting on relationships a lot lately. It is important to me to pursue healthy relationships and to show up as my best self in those relationships, so I need to spend time thinking about how to do that and what that means. Part of my reflection brought me to the statement that once hurt me so badly. There is actually plenty of truth to the statement, and I have made absolute peace with it and am so grateful it ultimately helped shatter the people-pleasing mindset I carried for far too long. To most people, I will never be the most interesting person in the room, and to some, I will certainly seem like the least interesting. I am an introvert who does not need to be the center of attention. I am no longer looking for the approval of others--only the approval of myself. I genuinely love most people, but I'm not begging them to love me back. I live a very simple life and am delighted by simple things--sunrises, sunsets, flowers in bloom, watching my kids do the things they love, beautiful words arranged well on a page, waves kissing a beach, stars stretching out across the sky. Nothing flashy, nothing dramatic. Nothing to make most attendees of a dinner party stop and take note. Nothing interesting by many people's standards. But I am happy with this way of being. I'm actually not even trying to be the most interesting person in the room, and I imagine if I had that as my aim I would just end up feeling exhausted. 

I now find it really easy to know who my people are because they are interested in me precisely because I am the least interesting person in the room. They don't need me to perform or show up big and loud and impressive. They are delighted by the simple things I'm delighted by. And they are delighted by me for being delighted by simple things. They take me as I am without needing me to be someone else, and that is such an incredible gift.  

Life has a way of self-filtering for us--taking the things that aren't good for us and leaving behind the things that are just right. It can definitely feel like a difficult process, but I am thankful I have been released by the ones who don't find me interesting and that I have released myself from needing to be interesting for them. It has freed me up to invest my energy into the people who are truly meant for me. And I can't think of anything more interesting than that!

Alchemy

In June, I was honored at work as RBT of the Month. One of the ways that gets celebrated is with a little poster hung on the bulletin board, which included my picture and bio, what I like about working at T&B, and--just for fun--what my super power would be if I had one. Writing your own bio always feels a little awkward, and it's a bit challenging to hit the highlights of your life and really capture the things that are important to you with just a few short sentences. I suspected the superpower question was where I was really going to get hung up, since I'm not much into superhero movies and don't think about things like that often. But before I had even finished writing my bio, a word popped into my head that seemed exactly right: Alchemy. 

In ancient times, it was the philosophical and pseudoscientific quest to turn base metals into gold. (And even though it proved not to work as hoped, it did lay the practical foundation for modern chemistry and pharmacology). In modern times it is used more figuratively to express the concept of transforming seemingly ordinary things into things of beauty and great value. This isn't a super power I just wish for. It is one I already possess...and so do you. We all have the power of transformation within us. We can take ordinary--and even unlovely--moments of our lives and transform them into something beautiful and valuable, and we can help others do the same. 

I'll admit that I sometimes forget I have this superpower, and I get stuck dwelling on the ugly, ordinary, not-so-glamourous raw materials. I struggle sometimes with feeling I am not valuable or that my life doesn't amount to much. But when I'm in a healthy state of mind, I can see the growth, the love, the joy, the peace, the light, the beauty, the way I encourage and support others, and the overall value that I have created out of challenge and heartbreak and ordinary moments, and I am amazed. That's when I understand there is surely no greater superpower than alchemy and I am truly grateful to possess it! 

Give up control and live

I am usually pretty indifferent about movies, but I watched The Odyssey twice in the course of three days last week, and I simply cannot stop thinking about it. It is a fantastic movie, and I highly recommend it! The story is not new to me, as I have read the epic poem by Homer and several adapted versions during the course of my life. There is a reason the story has endured for close to 3,000 years and that it continues to capture the imaginations of those who encounter it. And, in my opinion, Christopher Nolan's movie adaptation makes the story come alive in newly profound ways. It certainly has plenty of entertainment value, but for me, the real beauty of it is in the rich, thought-provoking themes that run throughout the story. I think we can all relate on some level to feeling like we've lost our way as we've been overwhelmed by obstacles on our quest to find a place that feels like home. 

Without giving too much away, the part of the movie that particularly grabbed my attention and has been living rent-free in my head is the part where Calypso is preparing to release Odysseus from her island and her enchantment. When Odysseus arrived on her island, he was unconscious, but his feverish mind was actively reminding him of his failures and disappointments. He dreaded trying to live up to a reputation he didn't believe he deserved. So he allowed his mind to be clouded and gave himself permission to forget lessons he learned through the trials he faced. He allowed himself to forget who he was and where he was from. He lost his purpose and his passion. But eventually the time comes for him to remember and to continue his journey back to himself. Just before he leaves the island, Calypso tells him, "You are a man who needs to control his fate, but you cannot control this. Give up the fight. Give up control. And live." 

At one time, Odysseus fully believed he was in control of his destiny and the destiny of his men. But after enduring trial after trial and losing himself completely, the voice of Calypso broke through, and he had to face the fact that almost everything was out of his control but that good things still awaited him. Control had been an illusion all along, and he had to relinquish his commitment to the illusion and accept things as they were before he could truly begin to live and before he could come home to himself. 

I also love the illusion of control and have spent an unreasonable amount of my life desperately trying to control things that are well outside my ability to control. This war within has robbed me of peace more times than I can count. I am only slowly learning to let things be what they are, and Calypso's words were a potent reminder for me as much as for Odysseus. If I want to come home to myself and my peace--if I really want to live--I must relinquish the illusion of control and stop fighting against what is. 

The Most Serious Problem in the World

During the course of my Yoga Teacher Training, we were asked to write several essays on deeply thoughtful and fairly personal topics. The exercise was mostly to have us do some self examining so we could more clearly define what kind of people we want to be, and therefore, what kind of yoga teachers we want to be. One of the prompts asked us to consider what we, as individuals, considered to be the most serious problem in the world and how yoga might be able to help with it. After I had turned in the assignment and checked off that graduation requirement, I shared this essay with a few family members, who each asked to share it with others, feeling that my message might be an inspiration to certain people they knew. My sweet, supportive husband also encouraged me to share it with a wider audience, and so, here I am sharing it on the largest platform I currently have access to.

The Most Serious Problem in the World

    Upon first seeing the prompt for this essay, I felt overwhelmed. The world is seemingly full of problems, many of them serious, so I wondered how one would go about deciding which is the most serious. But after some reflection, I believe the most serious problem in the world is disconnection, and I believe this is the problem that essentially leads to all others. 

    First and foremost, individuals are disconnected from themselves. Most people don't take the time to truly know themselves, but instead, spend all their time pursuing distractions in every form possible. In this state of distraction, people disconnect from their minds, from their bodies, from their feelings, from their passions, from their morals, and from their purpose. Consequently, they go through the motions of living a life but miss true living. Most people even disengage from what they consume, both in terms of food and beverages and in terms of mind-shaping content. Feeling disconnected from yourself is a quick path to anxiety and depression, which leads to even more desire to disconnect from the self as a means of escape. It is a vicious cycle that starts subtly but has far-reaching and ever greater consequences. 

    The more disconnected people are from themselves, the more they distance themselves from others. When you don't really know or love yourself, it is difficult to know and love others. When you don't know your passions, it is hard to find others who share those passions. When you are disconnected from others, it is easy to dismiss and disrespect them. Even within families, there is a growing atmosphere of disconnection. Through physical distance, busyness, distractions, and sometimes necessary boundary setting, families are often completely disconnected from one another, even when they live under the same roof. Frequently, families don't share meals or conversation. And often each family member has their own device in hand that allows them to completely check out from what is going on around them. A similar thing happens in many friend groups and other communities, where the interactions are often shallow and devoid of any true meaning. And, obviously, we can feel an even greater sense of disconnection with strangers. Many false connections are created through social media and superficial in-person interactions, but at the end of the day, these can feel very empty and meaningless. In fact, in a world where we have more "social" outlets that ever before, we are facing the greatest loneliness epidemic of all time. People feel isolated and disconnected from others. They compare their very normal and mundane lives with heavily edited and curated lives they see online and feel they are lacking in any number of ways. They feel a growing sense of lost authenticity, both in themselves and in others. They feel unseen and devalued, as they also unsee and devalue others. A sense of community is lost and with it the knowing that "we are in this together." Instead, it seems like it's just "me against the world." Everyone seems too caught up in their own distractions to care much about the people around them. And when humans devalue other humans, the environment is ripe for a myriad of societal problems. 

    Furthermore, we are disconnected from nature and the natural cycles of growth and rest it has to offer us. We spend most of our time indoors with artificial heat and cooling, artificial light, artificial and out-of-season foods, and artificial images that keep nature abstract and at arm's length. Our circadian rhythms are shot, which affects our sleep, our hunger cues, and the general flow of life. As we stay indoors, we become increasingly sedentary, which affects our physical and mental health in big and small ways. And then we treat our symptoms with artificial medications that only mask diseases rather than curing them. Additionally, we limit our opportunities to notice, appreciate, and learn from the beauty of every season. We treat nature with contempt--getting angry if it rains when we have plans, killing insects and animals without a thought, and clearing life-giving vegetation in favor of consumerism. We are so out of touch with nature that we think of it as an enemy rather than the beautiful friend it is. 

Humans are built for connection, and when it is lacking, there is no end to the problems that will arise. Being disconnected from ourselves, other people, and nature subconsciously gives the impression that these things don't matter, which leads to commoditizing them and treating them with disrespect, in the best case, and utter disregard, in the worst case. Disregard for ourselves, other people, and nature then leads to some of the most serious issues in the world, including, but in no way limited to, physical and mental diseases, substance abuse, environmental issues, human trafficking, war, murder, racism, gun violence, domestic abuse, and so many others. And instead of stepping up and taking responsibility for causing these issues through our disconnection, we disconnect ourselves from all of it and just shake our heads and wonder how things got so bad. 

    I'm not sure if yoga could solve all these problems, but the very nature of yoga is connection. Stepping onto our mats asks us to connect deeply with ourselves and to pay attention to our bodies and our minds. It asks us to connect our mind to our body and our breath to our movement. When we begin to really see and know ourselves, we are more open to really seeing and knowing others. Many yoga classes are also taught in community, which demands we recognize the others on this journey sharing space with us. Communities create support and connection. They give us a sense that we are not alone in the struggle. They allow us to learn from others and to open ourselves to different ways of doing and being. Yoga also connects us with nature through the very names of many of the poses. But not only that, yoga teaches us that all living things are connected through the prana (energy) that flows through us all. When we become connected to ourselves, to others, and to nature, we begin to to find true peace. And when you think of it like that, perhaps it isn't so far-fetched to believe that yoga could actually solve all the world's problems after all. 

We bloom when the conditions are right

Humans love schedules and agendas and timelines. We love knowing when things "should" happen and then judging ourselves and others when they don't happen at that time. We start when our children are in the womb, reading books like "What to Expect When You're Expecting." Then when our kids are born we immediately start measuring them against things we've read, things we've heard, and things other babies are doing. They should be eating solids by now...they should be crawling by now...they should be walking by now...and on and on. We don't stop after infancy either. Then it becomes they should be reading by now...they should be playing a sport/instrument/role...they should have their post-graduation life figured out...etc. And we definitely carry these made up timelines into adulthood as well. Then we panic when the milestones aren't hit at the "right" time. 

But here is what we learn from Nature: Flowers don't necessarily bloom at the time we expect; they bloom when the conditions are right for them to bloom. I have two so-called "Christmas" cacti that decided to bloom in mid-January, after two years of not blooming at all. I have spring roses that decided to bloom in winter because temps were in the 70s. And I am a woman in her late 40s who is only just now starting to feel truly aligned with her purpose after years of feeling like I was missing the mark.

Nature doesn't bother with what the calendar says or with what we imagine is the right time. Nature thrives when the conditions are right, and it adjusts to protect itself when the conditions aren't right. Humans would do well to take this lesson to heart. None of us--and none of our kids--are behind in this life. We are just where we are, waiting for the conditions to be right for us to bloom. 

But that doesn't mean we don't have to put in the work to be ready to bloom when the conditions are right. Maybe we need an extra season of dormancy. Maybe we need to take in more nutrients. Maybe we need to focus our energy on strengthening our roots, doing the work that no one sees. Maybe we just need to trust that blooming is still what we were made for and that it will happen. We need to stop judging ourselves and our kids so harshly and comparing ourselves and them to others. We just need to pay attention to the conditions in our own lives and bloom with boldness when the time is right. 

 Christmas cacti in mid-January

December roses

Good-bye 2025, Hello 2026

It is very hard to believe we have already come to the end of another year. This one was a wild one that brought an abundance of both beauty and pain. Mike had four business trips to Florida this year, and I got to tag along on two of them. The two of us also took two vacations to Mexico--one to Puerto Vallarta and one to Cabo San Lucas. I took several solo trips to New Braunfels to visit Liv and a solo trip to Cairo, Egypt to attend Clay's 8th grade graduation. And we took the entire family to Breckenridge, CO for our first blended family vacation. Mike also had solo business trips to New Orleans and Las Vegas, and another to Scottsdale in October that I got to go along on. Unfortunately, at the end of that trip, he found out his company was undergoing a restructuring and that his job was being terminated, so he has bravely been going through the process of trying to find a new job, which has provided lots of opportunities for growth and self-reflection. We are anticipating him finding just the right thing in the new year. 

Other big happenings included me leaving Starbucks after five and a half years and taking a temporary nanny job. I also took as many yoga classes as I could fit in my schedule, took a six-week long pottery class, and enrolled in yoga teacher training, which I will graduate from at the end of January. Mike renovated our master bedroom after a major water leak, completely overhauled our guest bedroom because it needed some updates, and made some repairs to our garage space after a different water leak. We also did a lot of work on my Flower Mound house after all the kids moved out of it in January and were able to get it sold in August. 

We are so proud of and thankful for our kids! Liv got engaged and finished her first year of OT school. Weston graduated from WGU after just one year and is currently working on getting his teaching certificate. Max went for the second year in a row on a mission trip to Belize and has started his senior year of high school. And Clay has started high school and is excited about his wrestling season. Kai has been working at a radio station and Door Dash. Reid got his private pilot's license and his instrument rating and took Mike and I for a night flight that was absolutely incredible. Aiden is heavily involved in a leadership organization at his school and is looking forward to the upcoming lacrosse season. And Quinn and his band had an amazing marching season and got 9th place at the state competition. 

My words for 2025 were Present and Contentment/Acceptance, and I have really tried to embrace being present with myself and with others and finding contentment and acceptance in the good seasons, the bad seasons, the waiting seasons, and all the other seasons. I have worked hard to see and be the good in the world. I have tried to be grateful for all the gifts this year has given, even when they have been wrapped in circumstances that I wouldn't have chosen. I have chosen to believe the best and to trust the story that is unfolding, even if it isn't how I would have written it. 

I'm excited for all the new year holds! Inspired by my yoga journey, my words for 2026 are Strength, Balance, and Flexibility. These apply to my physical world, but probably more importantly, to my mental state of being. I feel like beautiful things are coming in 2026--for me and for you! Wishing you love and light and peace and joy in the new year!