From the time I was a child, I have been absorbing spoken and unspoken messages that I am not enough. I have received these messages from people and organizations I know and have experience with personally (friends, family, teachers, religious groups) and those I've never actually met or interacted with in a personal way (advertisers, media, celebrities, strangers). And I've experienced rejection and failure enough times in my life to create insecurities that have caused me to connect with that message and make it my own. Throughout the years, it literally became the voice in my head. You are not smart enough. You are not pretty enough. You are not thin enough. You are not ambitious enough. You are not athletic enough. You are not playful enough. You are not adventurous enough. You are not interesting enough. You are not holy enough. You are not kind enough. You are not funny enough. You are not creative enough. You are not dedicated enough. You are not strong enough. You are not sexy enough. You are not brave enough. You are not relaxed enough. You are not enough as a mom, as a wife, as a daughter, as a person. YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH.
For whatever reason, I didn't seem to have the mental fortitude to combat these thoughts, and the truth I suspected in them became fear for me. Paralyzing fear. The kind that makes you not want to move or breathe or, for sure, speak because you know that whatever you do or say will not be enough. And you know that when you are not enough, people don't want to have anything to do with you. Because my main love language is Words of Affirmation, I think I kept waiting for someone to say, "No, really, you are enough. Just the way you are." And this last part was important. I knew I was flawed. I knew I wasn't perfect. But I needed to know that was okay. However, people either weren't saying it or my brain had developed the inability to hear it because the voice in my head was too loud. Most likely, both of those things were happening. I wanted to be loved and accepted and included more than pretty much anything, but the only thing I knew for sure was that I wasn't enough, and so I believed that those things were not ever really to be mine. So, I stood there, paralyzed, holding some relationships too tightly and some not at all and losing more and more of myself while I tried not to rock the boat. I waited for some magical event to turn me into someone who was truly enough. Of course, it never happened...at least not the way I expected.
There was no magical event. Wishing I was enough didn't make it so. And there was no outpouring of appreciation for me just as I was. In fact, the very opposite happened. I went through the greatest trauma of my life, and all my suspicions about not being enough were magnified and confirmed and laid bare for all the world to see. The person I trusted most in the world and the one I had truly hoped I could be enough for decided I wasn't and walked out of my life. I'm well aware that there were lots of factors involved in this decision and many things led up to it, but I have wondered sometimes if perhaps my fear of not being enough created a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm not sure, but I don't allow myself to worry about that anymore. It is what it is.
I had been standing on the edge of a seemingly bottomless pit for a long time, but when this traumatic, rather than magical, event happened, I toppled head first into the hole. As I sat in that dark place with all the pieces of my broken heart strewn around me, I realized no one was coming to save me and I could either die in that pit or figure out a way to pull myself out. I'll be honest: my first inclination was to die in the pit. I already knew I wasn't strong enough, brave enough, capable enough, or resourceful enough to pull myself out of the pit and start my life anew. So why should I even try?
I sat there a long time, but death didn't come. Nor did a hero come along to save me. And these things sort of pissed me off in equal measure. So, either out of rebellion or boredom or some last-ditch sense of self-preservation, I decided to become my own damn hero and go ahead and pull myself out of the pit. I was going to have to be enough because I was all I had.
Somewhere along the way of that arduous climb, I read something that encouraged me to talk to myself the way I would talk to a friend. I don't have too many close friends, but I would never even tell a stranger they weren't enough. I have an encourager's nature, and I try to make a practice out of building people up rather than tearing them down. But for some reason, it had never occurred to me to offer that same kindness to myself. I decided to experiment with it, and I literally began to speak out loud to myself--in my car, in the shower, staring at myself in the mirror--the way I would speak to a friend, an acquaintance, or even a stranger. I was telling myself I was okay. I was telling myself I just needed to take the next step. I was telling myself I could do it. I was telling myself to take a deep breath. You are strong. You are brave. You are capable. You are creative. You are smart. You are beautiful. You are resourceful. You are dedicated. YOU ARE ENOUGH.
I didn't believe my words at first and kind of just said them to have something to do to pass the time and to distract myself from the seemingly endless climb. But the more I said them and the more I noted the progress I was making, the more true they seemed. I'm not really sure if I will ever be completely free of the pit, but I have climbed far enough up at this point to be able to see the light and to know with certainty that I am enough. I'm still flawed and imperfect, and the the messages of not being enough still buzz all around me. And I still don't always believe the kind words I tell myself. But I've learned enough now to know that I am brave, beautiful, strong, caring, thoughtful, smart, positive, hardworking, and kind of amazing. But even when I'm not, I am still enough. I don't have to prove my enoughness through my performance. I don't have to have it confirmed by someone else. It is simply a fundamental truth of my existence. And in case you don't know, it is a fundamental truth of your existence as well. So say it with me: I AM ENOUGH...JUST THE WAY I AM!
