Big emotions during family game night

I am embarrassed to say that last night during family game night I became unreasonably annoyed at how the games were going for me, and I decided I needed to take myself out of the last game (and out of the room) in order to preserve my peace and in order not to be tempted to say or do things that would be hurtful to my family. I think this was the right move, even though I felt pretty horrible because that is not the person I want to be...and not the person I usually am. I don't want to be a quitter. I don't want to give that kind of example to my kids of how to handle uncomfortable/unpleasant situations. I don't want to sacrifice my peace FOR A GAME. It felt like a truly ugly version of me that I wish didn't exist. I am pursuing peace like its my full time job, but, alas, I am a human, and no matter how much work I've done on myself, there are still triggers that can make the process feel like one step forward, two steps back. 

After beating myself up for a while, I decided to dig deeper and see what was actually going on. It didn't seem fathomable that I would be that upset over games of chance that I have played without incident thousands of times. And that's when I began to realize that there are some things going in my life that truly do have a significant emotional impact that I have been feeling like I need to push aside, that I need to become (or give the impression of becoming) indifferent about since there doesn't seem to be a clear resolution for them. I feel like my expression of those emotions needs to be stifled for a variety of reasons. Earlier in the evening, my sweet husband had asked me if I was doing okay with regard to something that he knew was having a big emotional impact on me, and I even said to him, "I'm just trying to ignore that."

But here's the deal about things that have a big emotional impact: they don't go away just because we don't want to face them. The emotions will find their outlet. Maybe while you sit in traffic. Maybe in the slow checkout line at the grocery store. Or maybe on family game night. And then the outsized reaction will seem ridiculous (but maybe safer to express). But those reactions are begging us to take a closer look and see what's really going on. For me, the breaking point was playing games where I was doing everything right and trying to move forward only to have the game itself and the other players block my progress. And that happens in life as well. I have often felt like I'm doing all the "right" things and still not being able to make the progress I want to make, still not being able to "win." And the way the games made me feel tapped in to how life makes me feel sometimes. It can feel so unfair and demotivating. It can feel like there are too many things I can't control, even though I am truly doing the best I can. It can feel like there is no way to win. 

My big emotions weren't really tied to the games at all. They were related to other things going on in my life and they came out in the games because I haven't been giving them proper expression elsewhere. Instead of trying to see them and understand them and heal them, I've just been trying to ignore them, trying to wish them away, and trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I really am not. Anger is a guide. It shows us what really matters to us. Our work is to figure out what the anger is telling us and to find the proper way to approach the other big emotions it is escorting. I'm thankful my family had grace for me last night. And I'm thankful family game night has given me a new level of motivation to sit with and try to resolve the underlying issues. 

If you are also experiencing seemingly unreasonable instances of anger and frustration in the "small" areas of your life,  I encourage you to ask yourself what is really behind it and then do the work to address the underlying issue, even if it is something you would rather ignore. The emotions won't be silenced. They will just find different outlets for expression.

End of November Update

It's late in the day, on the last day of November, and I wanted to check back in on my "New"vember Resolutions. I did not write a blog post every day in November like I set out to do--BUT--I did write ten, if you count this one (which we are, because I'm the one who gets to keep the count!) I am not disappointed in myself. In fact, I'm very proud of myself for that accomplishment. There was a time in my life, not so very long ago, when I would only have been able to feel failure and shame and a sense of having let myself and others down in a situation like this. But that isn't where I am any more, thank God. Sure, I only got a third of the way to my goal, but I made progress, and that's really and truly what matters. It doesn't necessarily matter how big our steps are or how many we take; it just matters that we keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking those steps. Also, I wrote about things that were meaningful to me, and I think meaningful to others, based on feedback I have received. That definitely matters! I would rather write ten meaningful posts, than thirty posts that weren't impactful. Thank you for going on this journey with me and for cheering me on. That also matters! I'm really pleased with this place of hope, beauty, and magic I've created and will continue to exercise my writing muscles with the hopes of making it an even more amazing place over time. 

Small Steps to Well-Being

Hi, friends. I need to admit that, for the last little while, I have felt stuck and even sometimes like I'm moving backward on my journey toward healing and true well-being. I have been struggling from time to time to show up and do battle with the untamed parts of my mind and have not always been able to convince myself that the things I want to be true about myself can ever be realized. For a while, I felt like I was making big strides in the direction I wanted to go, but then it seemed the scenery stopped changing noticeably and I had to ask myself if I was still even moving forward. Progress became a thing so small, I felt I was having trouble measuring it and was tempted to stop even trying to do so. Big strides in personal growth feel like progress and accomplishment, but the minutia of thought work feels more like a standstill sometimes.

It's like when you're building a house. All the concrete-pouring and framing and cabinets and doors are fun to watch because you can clearly see the house coming together before your eyes. House building becomes tedious, though, when you get to things like electricity and plumbing and insulation. You can't see the daily progress and you wonder what on earth is taking so long. It gets more tedious still, in my opinion, when you have to think about things like hinges and door stops and outlet covers. Things that, while technically visible, are just pretty boring and seem annoying to have to put brain cycles on. But, the truth is, none of us would much enjoy living in a house without electricity and plumbing, even if it had gorgeous walls and doors. And all those other little things certainly serve important purposes and truly make the house livable. 

Apparently this week the Universe has made a mission out of reminding me that I am still making progress even when it's hard to see or feel. That, in fact, the small stuff is THE stuff. Those small steps are everything. As Zeno, the founder of the Stoic school of philosophy, put it, "Well-being is realized by small steps, but is truly no small thing." My well-being, and yours, is no small thing. Let's keep taking however many small steps it takes to arrive at well-being, even when they feel tedious or we can't really see progress. Eventually, we will surprise and delight ourselves by the lives we've been able to create simply by putting one foot in front of the other.  

Here were some other beautiful reminders from the week: