20 Things I'm Thankful for in 2020

This year has without a doubt been the most challenging of my life. It was filled with heartache and disappointment on so many levels. But weeks before I ever opened the first page of my 2020 calendar, I came up with my word of the year, which was "gratitude." And I have been intentional to seek that out every single day of this crazy year, even on the days when it was really hard to pin down. I don't think it would be much of an exaggeration to say it has been the anchor that has held me steady in the midst of the storm that was this year. So, without further ado, here is a list of 20 things I'm thankful for in 2020, in no particular order:

1. I didn't come into the year planning to start a new job, but I've actually had the opportunity to do two new jobs this year, both of which have been just what I needed. I am incredibly thankful I found work I love, is super flexible, and has excellent benefits. 

2. Like most of the rest of the world, my kids and I were not thrilled to be thrown into lockdown in the spring. However, when I look back on it, I am extremely thankful for that time with my kids. Together, we played games, went for walks, cooked meals, baked goodies, worked on projects, found creative outlets, figured out Zoom meetings, cried and raged at circumstances beyond our control, watched movies, laughed hysterically, engaged in meaningful conversations, and bonded in ways I'm sure we would not have been able to under normal life circumstances.

3. This year, more than any other, has taught me how fleeting time with my kids is and how special it is to have them in my daily life. I am thankful I was chosen to be their mom. And I'm thankful I get to be here to drive them to/from school; I get to have dinner with them most evenings; I get to attend their activities; I get to talk with them about the big and little things; I get to live life with them on the easy days AND on the hard days. 

4. I'm thankful I have made some new friends this year. Some I deliberately sought out by joining groups, and some just fell into my life while I was going about my regular business, like waiting on my car at the mechanic shop.

5. I'm also thankful I had opportunities to reconnect with old friends. Whether it was local friends I hadn't seen or heard from in a while or friends spread out all over the world, I relished every phone call, text, DM, card, package, and in-person get together.

6. Money in and of itself is not one of my main motivators, though I certainly understand and appreciate that it is necessary. But in a year that had the potential to wreak economic havoc (and did for many), I am thankful for the financial stability I experienced. 

7. I am so very thankful that my kids and I managed to get through this pandemic year in excellent physical health and that we were able to work through mental health issues as they came up. 

8. A couple of years ago, I felt like I kind of "lost my words," which is a hard thing for someone who considers herself a writer. I am thankful I seem to be finding them again through journaling and this blog.

9. Nature and exercise are two of the things that keep me sane and make me happy. I'm thankful this year has provided even more opportunities than usual to go on walks and hikes. 

10. Speaking of nature, I have developed an obsession with the sky this year, and I'm thankful for so many incredible sunrises, sunsets, cloud formations, rainbows, stars, and other celestial wonders.

11. I'm thankful that, in a year where travel wasn't really possible for me like it has been in the past, I was able to find and create lots of local adventures. Sometimes we miss the great things that are right in front of us if we're too busy looking for adventure in the elusive "elsewhere." I'm glad I've been able to find it right where I am.

12. All but one of my kids started attending new schools this year. This could have been difficult in normal times. It could have been devastating in this year of chaos. But I am beyond thankful that all of the kids have adjusted well and are happy and thriving in their respective schools.

13. So many people show up every day to do the work that needs to be done, whether there's a pandemic on or not. I am so thankful for the essential workers who kept the world running when the need was greater than ever. 

14. Likewise, I am thankful for people who have extended kindness, empathy, support, and offers to help--both in my personal life and in the world at large. Mr. Rogers said when he was young and would see scary things in the news, he was comforted by his mother's words: "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." This year of crisis has certainly brought out the helpers, and what a comfort they've been!

15. Before I go to bed every night, I spend a few minutes practicing yoga and meditation. I am so thankful I established this routine before the chaos of 2020 hit and that I have been able to maintain this restorative practice throughout this year. I believe it has been important in helping me maintain health in mind, body, and spirit. 

16. I'm thankful I have become reacquainted with Stoic philosophy this year. There is so much timeless wisdom there, which I have enjoyed exploring and being challenged by.

17. In the past couple of years, personal growth has been one of my greatest interests and pursuits. The difficulty with this is that it most often comes at the hands of a crisis, which no one ever really wishes for. I'm thankful that 2020 has provided so many opportunities for personal growth. Truly, that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

18. I'm thankful for new skills learned this year, either through necessity or desire. 

19. In this year when the world shut down, there have been more quiet moments than in years past, as plans were cancelled (or never made) and free time became abundant. There have been times in my life when quiet moments felt like something to be feared because they meant I was left alone with my churning, whirling thoughts that I had difficulty making sense of. And to be perfectly honest, many of the quiet moments were uncomfortable for me this year as well. But I'm thankful that this year forced the issue and allowed me to embrace those quiet moments and sit with myself so I could know myself better and become a better version of me.  

20. In the course of the contemplations and thought work that took place in those quiet moments, I have learned some things about myself. I'm thankful I have been able to realize this year that I am strong, brave, beautiful, capable, enough, and kind of amazing. 

What are the things you are most thankful for this year?

People Do Well If They Can

In the last few years, in an effort to help one of my kids navigate anxiety that manifests in big emotional and sometimes physical outbursts, I have spent a lot of time seeking out the wisdom of people who are much more knowledgable than I am about brain function and psychology. In the course of my research, I came across the work of Dr. Ross Greene, a clinical child psychologist, author of several books, and developer of a model of intervention called Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS). When I read his book, The Explosive Child, and then watched some of his YouTube videos, I was struck by a particular phrase he used repeatedly: "Kids do well if they can." He explains that no one likes feeling out of control. No one enjoys experiencing negative emotions. He says parents often assume that kids do well if they want to, assigning them the roles of rebels or attention seekers or even little brats. And they assign themselves the role of having to make the child "want to" through punishment or rewards, which are often not great long term solutions. To be sure, kids, like adults, can sometimes engage in these manipulative roles, but even then, it is usually because they feel that is the best they can do in that moment to meet a need they have. More often than not, the child doesn't want to feel that way or act that way; they just don't yet have the mental or physical tools available to them to behave differently. So, as the adults who care about them, it behooves us to drop the "kids do well if they want to" line and adopt the "kids do well if they can" idea instead. This allows us to approach the child with grace and an attitude of helpfulness. We need to learn to see what may be getting in the way and try to help remove the obstacle or give them new tools to deal with the problem. We can think of it like a person with a broken leg. They likely want to run, jump, climb, or even just walk normally, but there is something keeping them from doing that. It would be pretty foolish and unkind of us to demand they do those things anyway. Instead, we offer them grace and give them tools to get around as best they can until the injury is healed. 

As I began to meditate on Dr. Greene's philosophy, I realized it applied to every single person I interacted with, whether they were children or adults. In general, people don't want to behave poorly, but there may be some trauma, a lack of learning to deal with emotions properly, extenuating circumstances, or simply mental fatigue that keeps people from doing well. Even if people can generally do well, we all go through times when we just can't muster up the emotional fortitude to behave the way we or others would prefer. In most cases, if a person is behaving like a jerk, they aren't particularly enjoying the way that feels inside for them and they aren't behaving that way because they necessarily want to. There is almost always something going on beneath the surface that we don't know about. There is something getting in their way of doing well at that time. I truly believe most people are doing the best they can with the resources they have available to them in any given moment.

I received a potent reminder of this at work this week. I was working in the drive-thru, and a lady pulled up to the box to place her order. She was very curt with me and almost downright rude. After I took her order and before she arrived at the window, another co-worker, who was wearing a headset and heard the whole exchange, commented to me about how rude the customer was, and I heartily agreed. When the customer arrived at the window, I recognized her as one of our regular customers who is usually bubbly and sweet. She was wiping tears from her eyes, and I asked if she was okay while we waited for her order to be finished. At first she just nodded, but clearly, she wasn't okay. So after a bit, I asked again. She broke down then and told me she had just received a phone call that a family member had passed away, and then she apologized for being rude when she placed her order. I offered what kindness and comfort I could, but I was instantly humbled. I had judged a person's behavior without knowing the whole situation. I had momentarily forgotten that people do well if they can, and that if they aren't doing well, there is likely something getting in their way. It doesn't really cost anything to be kind, so I will continue to strive to make that my default setting.

Freedom in Forgiveness

Human beings are a tricky lot. We have some brilliant qualities, but we are also capable of inflicting serious emotional damage on one another, both intentionally and unintentionally. If you belong to the human race, you know that people can be rude and uncaring and difficult. You know they can disrespect you, disregard you, and disengage from you. They can use their words and actions (or their lack of them) to make you feel unloved, unworthy, and unappreciated in so many ways. People will make you cry and hurt and suffer, and sometimes--many times--they will not even feel sorry for it. 

Our natural inclination is to gather these hurts into neat little piles of resentment and bitterness. And we justify our grudges and feel entitled to wallow in our pain because we were wronged and they should pay. Somehow, we have the mixed up idea that our holding on to these grievances will make the other person behave differently or that it will make us feel better. But the only person we hurt when we choose to hold on to these resentments is ourselves. We become slaves to those thoughts and we sacrifice our peace of mind. Real power and freedom come when we offer forgiveness to our offender. They will likely not ask for it. They will almost certainly not deserve it. But we don't offer it for their sakes. The forgiveness I give is for me--for my healing, my well-being, my peace of mind. When I forgive, my mind is set free. And when I am free, I can pursue those things which contribute most to my happiness instead of dwelling on those that only steal it away. 

Another tricky thing about humans is that the inflicting of emotional damage is not limited to those dwelling outside of our minds. In fact, we are often our own worst offenders. We do things we aren't proud of. We say things we wish we could take back. We think thoughts we would rather not think. We sabotage ourselves constantly and beat ourselves up for it relentlessly. If there is hurt in our lives, we are even more responsible for it that anyone else because we control our thoughts. While forgiving those who have hurt us can seem like an exceedingly difficult task, forgiving ourselves can often feel impossible. We are always our own worst critics and often hold grudges against ourselves for not living up to ridiculous standards we've set for ourselves. Hard as it may seem, we must forgive ourselves and allow ourselves to move on. 

On a personal note, in the last month I have experienced the sting of rejection from multiple people, on several different occasions. This, combined with an already fragile emotional state, caused a storm of grief, anger, hurt, resentment, and depression to begin building up inside of me. At first, it was almost unnoticeable. But as the clouds continued to gather in my mind and I became tired of just trying to survive the storm, I decided to sit with my negative and uncomfortable feelings and see if I could get to the root of them. At some point, I realized I had a lot of forgiving I needed to do, and I began slowly to do it. I didn't confront any of the people I felt had slighted me. I simply offered the forgiveness in my mind. (I did also write some of it down in my journal and speak some of it aloud when I was alone in my shower or my car.) Honestly, it didn't come easy for me and I had to wrestle with myself for many days because my mind wanted to hold on to the grudges, which it deemed justified. But when I finally got to the point of being able to sincerely offer forgiveness to those who had hurt me--intentionally or unintentionally--and to myself for perpetuating hurt in my life through my thoughts, I immediately felt relief. I felt peace. I felt power. I felt free. The forgiveness I offered was for my healing and my healing alone. It didn't change another person or any of the hurtful situations. It didn't exonerate the other people or necessarily make their actions okay. But it changed me, and so it was absolutely worth it. I'm so glad I finally let go of that emotional baggage that was weighing me down so I could step into a more beautiful head space and move through my days with the confidence and peace of mind that come with freedom.