Kindness Matters

One day last week a woman came up to me in the midst of my busyness at work. She is a semi-regular customer, so I recognized her. I stopped what I was doing, thinking she wanted to let me know about a problem with the store or her drink. As a shift supervisor, I am used to people coming to me with their complaints. I was pleasantly surprised when, instead of complaining, she gave me the sweetest and most sincere compliment. She told me the last time she had been in (I don't remember when this was--maybe 2-4 weeks ago), she had seen me interact with a person who seemed to be in "an altered state," as she put it. She said she was awestruck by the interaction because she had observed that I had been so kind and patient. She said she could tell my kindness was coming from a very genuine place rather than just being part of my customer service focused job. She said she had wanted to say something to me on that day but I had gotten off work before she was able to do so. But she had been thinking about that interaction she observed--which I actually have no memory of--all this time and didn't want to let another opportunity go by to let me know how much she appreciated the kindness I had shown. I was so touched that she had noticed and taken the time to say something to me, and when I went back to my busyness, I felt buoyed and a bit more purposeful. 

I do not tell this story to toot my own horn but because I was so gobsmacked by the power of kindness. I do strive to be a kind person, and I sincerely hope the person I was originally interacting with felt that kindness and that it made a difference in their life. But what I know for sure is that that kindness did make a difference to an outside observer. That kindness was pondered and appreciated by someone who wasn't even the direct recipient. And then she did me the honor of showing me a kindness as well by taking the time to share her gratitude with me. Kindness is contagious, and kindness matters. So, if you have the chance, just be kind today. It will cost you nothing, but I'm fully convinced it will make the world a better place.

Do Good Anyway

They say, "No good deed goes unpunished," and I have definitely seen that play out in my life recently. On three separate occasions, I have been verbally attacked or berated for trying to do something I had intended to be kind and/or helpful. Each time, my feelings were deeply hurt, and I experienced a brief moment of wanting to throw up my hands and abandon the whole notion of showing up as a force of good in the world. But, honestly, I can't help myself. My nature is one of kindness and helpfulness, and that is really and truly how I desire to show up in the world, even if it isn't appreciated or reciprocated. I don't want to be mean or nasty or uncaring because I don't like myself when I'm that way. And my goal is to like myself even if no one else likes me. 

I'm no Mother Teresa, but after the most recent incident of my kindness being repaid with hostility, I started thinking about something she beautifully said which embodied the philosophy she lived and reflects a life philosophy I believe I could get behind as well: "People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway." 

People will be rude, unkind, unappreciative, defensive, and hostile, but this has nothing to do with me. And it is me I have to live with until I die. It is me I have to face in the mirror at the end of the day. It is me I have to put to bed with a clear conscience every night. I always have a choice about the kind of person I want to be. For me, it is necessary to show up with kindness and goodness because being any other way doesn't change other people, it only robs me of my peace of mind. And I've learned that I must protect my peace of mind at all costs, so I will "do good anyway." 

I like you just the way you are

A friend of mine posted this picture on Facebook this morning, and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. First of all, I just love Mr. Rogers! I think he has a lot to teach us about kindness and inclusivity and really seeing and loving people. The first time my youngest son ever saw an episode of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, he sat there mesmerized and then said, "It's like he can see you through the TV!" I think we can all relate to wanting to be seen.

I love the quote in the above picture because I think what we all want more than anything is for at least one person to like us just the way we are--no strings, conditions, judgements, qualifiers, or need to prove our worth. This isn't the same as liking/loving someone "no matter what," because that statement implies a judgement and a disappointment. It implies that the receiver of the message messed up somehow but the giver is choosing to like them anyway, which is a form of forgiving love we all definitely need in our lives sometimes. More often than not, the receiver didn't actually mess up; they just didn't meet the giver's expectations. Love is frequently conditional on the extent to which we perceive other people meet our expectations. But what we so often lack across all of our relationships, regardless of how intimate they are, is someone who will like/love us just as we are, without trying to change us or wishing we were different in some way. There are implied judgements in almost every interaction. They usually happen automatically, without us ever thinking about them. Sometimes love is lacking completely in these situations, and sometimes the subsequent "no matter what" love follows. But I have interacted with enough people and have known myself long enough now to know for sure that what most of us would give anything for is at least one person in our lives that likes us just as we are. 

I feel like the American culture is very divisive and quick to look for things that we don't like about other people--their politics, their skin color, their sexual orientation, their religious beliefs (or lack thereof), their approach to parenting, their clothing, their ideas about how to best protect themselves during a never-before-seen global pandemic, their natural levels of anxiety (or confidence), their material wealth. The list goes on and on. In our families, we are quick to tie our affection to how people perform (or don't perform). For example, we make it clear through our body language, if not through our spoken words, that the love we have for our kids is connected with how well they perform academically, if they win at sports, whether they keep their rooms clean or help out with chores, or whether they date the people we deem appropriate. When kids don't meet parental expectations in those areas (and many others), most parents feel frustrated but offer the "no matter what" love, which, while well-intended, still often feels to our kids like judgement rather than love and leaves them feeling as if they are not good enough or that they don't measure up. Even in our own minds, we struggle to say, "I like you just the way you are." 

I believe the way we show up in the world, in our homes, and in our own minds matters. I believe the words we use are powerful. I can't control how other people show up in the world, but I can control how I do. And I want to be the kind of person who shows up and says, "I like you just the way you are." This is not something I have perfected, by any means, but it is something I'm striving for and working on every day. I would also like to challenge you to drop your expectations and be open to saying to and showing others that you like them just the way they are. See the good and be the good.

People Do Well If They Can

In the last few years, in an effort to help one of my kids navigate anxiety that manifests in big emotional and sometimes physical outbursts, I have spent a lot of time seeking out the wisdom of people who are much more knowledgable than I am about brain function and psychology. In the course of my research, I came across the work of Dr. Ross Greene, a clinical child psychologist, author of several books, and developer of a model of intervention called Collaborative and Proactive Solutions (CPS). When I read his book, The Explosive Child, and then watched some of his YouTube videos, I was struck by a particular phrase he used repeatedly: "Kids do well if they can." He explains that no one likes feeling out of control. No one enjoys experiencing negative emotions. He says parents often assume that kids do well if they want to, assigning them the roles of rebels or attention seekers or even little brats. And they assign themselves the role of having to make the child "want to" through punishment or rewards, which are often not great long term solutions. To be sure, kids, like adults, can sometimes engage in these manipulative roles, but even then, it is usually because they feel that is the best they can do in that moment to meet a need they have. More often than not, the child doesn't want to feel that way or act that way; they just don't yet have the mental or physical tools available to them to behave differently. So, as the adults who care about them, it behooves us to drop the "kids do well if they want to" line and adopt the "kids do well if they can" idea instead. This allows us to approach the child with grace and an attitude of helpfulness. We need to learn to see what may be getting in the way and try to help remove the obstacle or give them new tools to deal with the problem. We can think of it like a person with a broken leg. They likely want to run, jump, climb, or even just walk normally, but there is something keeping them from doing that. It would be pretty foolish and unkind of us to demand they do those things anyway. Instead, we offer them grace and give them tools to get around as best they can until the injury is healed. 

As I began to meditate on Dr. Greene's philosophy, I realized it applied to every single person I interacted with, whether they were children or adults. In general, people don't want to behave poorly, but there may be some trauma, a lack of learning to deal with emotions properly, extenuating circumstances, or simply mental fatigue that keeps people from doing well. Even if people can generally do well, we all go through times when we just can't muster up the emotional fortitude to behave the way we or others would prefer. In most cases, if a person is behaving like a jerk, they aren't particularly enjoying the way that feels inside for them and they aren't behaving that way because they necessarily want to. There is almost always something going on beneath the surface that we don't know about. There is something getting in their way of doing well at that time. I truly believe most people are doing the best they can with the resources they have available to them in any given moment.

I received a potent reminder of this at work this week. I was working in the drive-thru, and a lady pulled up to the box to place her order. She was very curt with me and almost downright rude. After I took her order and before she arrived at the window, another co-worker, who was wearing a headset and heard the whole exchange, commented to me about how rude the customer was, and I heartily agreed. When the customer arrived at the window, I recognized her as one of our regular customers who is usually bubbly and sweet. She was wiping tears from her eyes, and I asked if she was okay while we waited for her order to be finished. At first she just nodded, but clearly, she wasn't okay. So after a bit, I asked again. She broke down then and told me she had just received a phone call that a family member had passed away, and then she apologized for being rude when she placed her order. I offered what kindness and comfort I could, but I was instantly humbled. I had judged a person's behavior without knowing the whole situation. I had momentarily forgotten that people do well if they can, and that if they aren't doing well, there is likely something getting in their way. It doesn't really cost anything to be kind, so I will continue to strive to make that my default setting.