I like you just the way you are

A friend of mine posted this picture on Facebook this morning, and I have not been able to stop thinking about it. First of all, I just love Mr. Rogers! I think he has a lot to teach us about kindness and inclusivity and really seeing and loving people. The first time my youngest son ever saw an episode of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, he sat there mesmerized and then said, "It's like he can see you through the TV!" I think we can all relate to wanting to be seen.

I love the quote in the above picture because I think what we all want more than anything is for at least one person to like us just the way we are--no strings, conditions, judgements, qualifiers, or need to prove our worth. This isn't the same as liking/loving someone "no matter what," because that statement implies a judgement and a disappointment. It implies that the receiver of the message messed up somehow but the giver is choosing to like them anyway, which is a form of forgiving love we all definitely need in our lives sometimes. More often than not, the receiver didn't actually mess up; they just didn't meet the giver's expectations. Love is frequently conditional on the extent to which we perceive other people meet our expectations. But what we so often lack across all of our relationships, regardless of how intimate they are, is someone who will like/love us just as we are, without trying to change us or wishing we were different in some way. There are implied judgements in almost every interaction. They usually happen automatically, without us ever thinking about them. Sometimes love is lacking completely in these situations, and sometimes the subsequent "no matter what" love follows. But I have interacted with enough people and have known myself long enough now to know for sure that what most of us would give anything for is at least one person in our lives that likes us just as we are. 

I feel like the American culture is very divisive and quick to look for things that we don't like about other people--their politics, their skin color, their sexual orientation, their religious beliefs (or lack thereof), their approach to parenting, their clothing, their ideas about how to best protect themselves during a never-before-seen global pandemic, their natural levels of anxiety (or confidence), their material wealth. The list goes on and on. In our families, we are quick to tie our affection to how people perform (or don't perform). For example, we make it clear through our body language, if not through our spoken words, that the love we have for our kids is connected with how well they perform academically, if they win at sports, whether they keep their rooms clean or help out with chores, or whether they date the people we deem appropriate. When kids don't meet parental expectations in those areas (and many others), most parents feel frustrated but offer the "no matter what" love, which, while well-intended, still often feels to our kids like judgement rather than love and leaves them feeling as if they are not good enough or that they don't measure up. Even in our own minds, we struggle to say, "I like you just the way you are." 

I believe the way we show up in the world, in our homes, and in our own minds matters. I believe the words we use are powerful. I can't control how other people show up in the world, but I can control how I do. And I want to be the kind of person who shows up and says, "I like you just the way you are." This is not something I have perfected, by any means, but it is something I'm striving for and working on every day. I would also like to challenge you to drop your expectations and be open to saying to and showing others that you like them just the way they are. See the good and be the good.