Growing Pains

When my daughter was young, she used to get the most horrific growing pains. The deep, throbbing, and sometimes shooting pains would take hold of her legs and cause tears to fill her eyes and spill down her cheeks. She would rub them and I would rub them until our hands were almost raw. And we both literally lost sleep over them. We tried warm baths and heating pads and muscle creams, but nothing really seemed to alleviate the pain except time. They would eventually go away in the same mysterious way in which they had arrived. 

When you do an internet search for "growing pains," you learn that, despite the moniker, they are not necessarily associated with growth. Some sites even suggest that there is no evidence that growth hurts, but here I must disagree. Even if the so-called growing pains are not caused directly by the stretching and elongating of bones and muscles, the fact that the pain is felt means that those muscles and bones are not yet strong enough to support whatever activities the child has engaged in, and until they are, there will be pain associated with their usage. The same is true for people (young or old) who exercise. You don't run your first mile without feeling some pain in your body. And when running a mile doesn't hurt anymore, you will feel new pain when you decide to start running three or four miles. Growth is always accompanied by pain. 

What's true for the body is also true for the mind. When we choose to or are forced to grow mentally and emotionally strong, we will feel pain as we face our demons and take responsibility for our choices and experiences. I am deeply committed to personal growth, which means I am often deliberately putting myself in the uncomfortable position of self-examination--although I will admit, I'm relatively new to this and actually spent years avoiding really examining myself at all, in an effort to minimize pain in my life. (Spoiler alert: I still had pain--and lots of it! But because I wasn't regularly examining myself and taking responsibility for my own contributions to my suffering, I found myself confused about where it was coming from, blaming Fate and other people, and adopting a victim mentality. The pain was still there, but I effectively made myself powerless to overcome it. I don't beat myself up over these years though, because you only know what you know when you know it.) These days, I am looking myself in the eye and asking myself hard questions and taking responsibility for the parts of me that aren't very lovely or that aren't as lovely as I would like them to be. And facing those things is unpleasant and painful in many ways. Taking a deep look requires that you either accept what you see as the best you can be or decide to make a change. Change is always hard. And growth hurts. But as with exercise, it's worth it when you feel the pride of overcoming obstacles, living a healthier life, and becoming your best self. 

Not only is it painful for me to grow; it is also sometimes painful (or at least inconvenient) to others for me to grow. 

My oldest son has a wonderful sense of humor, and laughing and making others laugh is one of his great passions. He loves to joke around, and he enjoys trying to get a rise out of others--not in a mean-spirited way, but just to keep things light and funny and maybe slightly shocking. For him, it's all about getting a reaction. I definitely have a track record of taking myself too seriously, so there have been times when I have not been able to laugh at his jokes or have taken offense at them. I have occasionally reacted with shock and horror, which sort of delights him, rather than mirth, which he would also accept. One day this week, he was trying to get a rise out of me, and I didn't react the way he thought I would. In fact, I didn't really react too much at all, which prompted him to declare, "I see you're growing again, which makes this not as much fun." I don't believe he was actually disappointed in me, and I believe he does support my growth, but this silly situation got me thinking seriously about how my growth doesn't just affect me. 

My personal growth will change my reactions and the way I show up in situations, and this can be uncomfortable and inconvenient for other people, especially people I have a close enough relationship with that there are expectations for how we behave towards each other in particular situations. Some people may be able to see and support my growth and adjust to new ways of interacting with me. But other people will be offended by my growth and will actually try to discourage it in subtle and non-subtle ways, so that they don't have to grow and change themselves. I am learning that people who don't genuinely support my growth are not my people. I am trying to surround myself with people who encourage and facilitate my growth, and I'm trying to be that kind of person for others. Growth is painful enough as it is. No need to multiply the growing pains by letting someone else's discomfort dictate how and when I grow.