How Do You Eat an Elephant?

There are a few pieces of wisdom I have gleaned over the years that I like to pull out and share with my kids from time to time, in part just to see if they are still capable of rolling their eyes all the way back in their heads. This is one of them: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." Or the way I put it to my 5th grader, who was overwhelmed by his homework last night: "How many problems do you need to work on RIGHT NOW? Just one." 

All he could see was pages and pages of math problems with blanks out beside them for answers he didn't know off the top of his head, and it felt like too much, like something he would NEVER get through, and so he didn't want to even try. But he didn't need to do all the problems. He only needed to do one problem: the next problem. 

The reason this bit of wisdom is eye-roll worthy is because, in general, people don't want to be reminded that the hard thing they are facing is, in fact, doable, because then they will actually have to try. It's much easier to give in to the overwhelm, to say we can't, to believe the problem is simply too big. If we can convince ourselves that those things are true, then we can give ourselves permission not to do hard things, and it doesn't have to be our fault but simply just the magnitude of the problem. But that's a cop out.  

It makes perfect sense to my adult brain to tell a 10-year-old that he only needs to work on the very next math problem, and that if he does that over and over, he will soon be finished with the night's homework. Also, my adult brain looks at that 5th grade math, and thinks, "It's not even really that hard." That is NOT how my son looks at it, though, because the concepts are still new to him, and he doesn't have much experience yet with those kinds of problems, so they seem unreasonably difficult, like trying to eat an elephant. 

But give me adult problems, and suddenly I'm just exactly like a 5th grader who doesn't want to do any of the problems because all I can see is all the things I don't know. And while it may seem easy to tell someone else how to eat their elephant, it's harder to start taking bites of your own. I can't tell you how many times I've been paralyzed with the overwhelming feeling that I need to solve all the problems of my adult life right now but I don't know how. I look at all of them at once and don't have answers for most of them off the top of my head and feel I will therefore NEVER work my way through all of them--or maybe any of them--and I want to quit then and there. I have always found that I learn more when I teach others, and I'm thankful that coaching my 5th grader through his homework gave me the opportunity to be reminded how to eat an elephant. I don't need to solve all of life's problems right now. I just need to chew the bite that's in my mouth and then take the next one.  

Less Unhappy

As many of you know, I have declared 2022 my year of "happiness" and "joy." As you may also know, I began the year under a cloud of depression that made it difficult to even imagine those concepts, much less embrace them. Thankfully, I have managed to pull myself out of that pit and am in a place of true peace in my mind. 

There has never been a time when I believed happiness and joy would just fall into my lap or that it would be a once-and-done type of situation. I know they must be pursued and chosen every single day. Honestly, I still struggle to give myself permission to seek them--much less demand them--so long has been my habit of believing they weren't attitudes I was entitled to. But I know (though I forget and fall into old habits sometimes) that this is for sure what 2022 has for me and that I deserve every bit of it. Unfortunately, there is not always a clearcut path to happiness and joy, and I'm honestly not really sure if I would always know them if I saw them. So, it's interesting that, rather than just throw happiness and joy at me, this year is sort of backing into it by showing me things that don't make me happy and that don't create joy in my life. And I suddenly have a burning desire to eliminate those things from my life, even if they are things I have tolerated for months or years. 

Just this week, I have taken several steps in that direction. I have gotten rid of my chipped and stained dishes, which made me sad every time I looked at them, and replaced them with new dishes that feel like a pleasure to use. I discarded my cracked recycling bin and replaced it with a fully intact one. I threw out some dead houseplants that I was hoping against hope would have a second chance at life. And I ripped up my warped, eye sore (and foot sore every time I tripped on it) of a deck that was acting as a hideout for what I'm sure was one of the largest rat kingdoms of all time. 

I cannot proclaim to you that any of these acts necessarily made me happier, and in fact, they sort of seem like small, silly things to focus on in the grand scheme of the pursuit of happiness. But, here's the thing: they all made me less unhappy, which seems like a very good step in the right direction and one I will gladly take. Who knows, maybe the secret to a happy life is simply to become less unhappy in whatever circumstances you find yourself in, changing those things you can change and accepting the rest. 

Great, Glorious Pieces of Good

A friend recently posted a quote from Dolly Parton that I love and cannot stop thinking about: "I make a point to appreciate all the little things in my life. I go out and smell the air after a good, hard rain. I re-read passages from my favorite books. I hold the little treasures that somebody special gave me. These small actions help remind me that there are so many great, glorious pieces of good in the world." Dolly grew up poor and ended up rich, but as far as I can tell, she embraced this philosophy of appreciating the little things throughout her life. It's the last bit that particularly sticks with me. There are truly so many "great, glorious pieces of good in the world," and even though I keep a daily gratitude journal that covers many of those things, I feel as if I have a tendency to focus on the negative sometimes, and I want to be intentional about breaking out of that mindset. So today, I'm sharing some of the amazing little things I've had the privilege of experiencing this week. 

Great, Glorious Pieces of Good:

• Seeing the full moon, both at night and in the morning
• Viewing gorgeous sunrises while taking my kids to school
• Watching a silly puppy play with a too-big stick
• Getting a much needed haircut
• Playing board games with my youngest
• Spending time with lovely girlfriends
• Dancing with my oldest son in the living room
• Snuggling with my youngest son during a family movie night
• Celebrating a personal victory for my oldest son
• Participating in a special family tradition
• Making and eating yummy food
• Soaking up the sunshine and lovely weather with a couple of nice walks
• Finding a 90% off sale at one of my favorite consignment stores
• Receiving several sincere compliments
• Watering my houseplants
• Having meaningful conversations
• Listening to great music and sometimes singing along

Do Good Anyway

They say, "No good deed goes unpunished," and I have definitely seen that play out in my life recently. On three separate occasions, I have been verbally attacked or berated for trying to do something I had intended to be kind and/or helpful. Each time, my feelings were deeply hurt, and I experienced a brief moment of wanting to throw up my hands and abandon the whole notion of showing up as a force of good in the world. But, honestly, I can't help myself. My nature is one of kindness and helpfulness, and that is really and truly how I desire to show up in the world, even if it isn't appreciated or reciprocated. I don't want to be mean or nasty or uncaring because I don't like myself when I'm that way. And my goal is to like myself even if no one else likes me. 

I'm no Mother Teresa, but after the most recent incident of my kindness being repaid with hostility, I started thinking about something she beautifully said which embodied the philosophy she lived and reflects a life philosophy I believe I could get behind as well: "People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway." 

People will be rude, unkind, unappreciative, defensive, and hostile, but this has nothing to do with me. And it is me I have to live with until I die. It is me I have to face in the mirror at the end of the day. It is me I have to put to bed with a clear conscience every night. I always have a choice about the kind of person I want to be. For me, it is necessary to show up with kindness and goodness because being any other way doesn't change other people, it only robs me of my peace of mind. And I've learned that I must protect my peace of mind at all costs, so I will "do good anyway." 

An Opportunity to Practice Smile Meditation

In an act of sheer brilliance and inspiration, I chose my words for 2022--JOY and HAPPINESS--and announced them joyously and happily to the world. Then, I immediately turned around and ran head first into a thick and unyielding wall of anxiety that knocked me down a deep, dark hole of depression that I haven't yet completely found my way out of. 

I know that doesn't seem much like the stuff of hope, beauty, and magic, but I'm just really trying to keep it real here. And, even though I'm generally on a path of chasing rainbows, that doesn't mean I'm always finding them. To find rainbows, we all have to walk through storm clouds, and that's where I am right now. No point in pretending otherwise. I am working on trying to climb out of the pit, but it's a slow process, as you know well if you've ever been there, and it takes a tremendous amount of energy, which depression is very good at zapping.

One low-energy technique I'm trying to employ is smile meditation, which I recently read about and am very much intrigued by. (I have been aware of the concept for a while but only became familiar with this term for it in my recent reading.) All you do is sit and smile. Seems simple in theory. Feels difficult in practice. There is actually a ton of brain research on this idea that proves that smiling--even if it's fake--for at least 10 seconds, can literally switch up the signals in the brain and create happier feelings in a person, even if nothing else changes. I think I can probably find the energy to sit and smile for 10-30 seconds a couple of times a day, even on my worst days, so I'm giving it a shot. And, now that I think about it, the fact that I'm even trying to do something to change and to improve is exactly the stuff of hope, beauty, and magic, so I feel sure I'll eventually find the rainbows I'm looking for.

The Word of the Year

I spend a lot of time in self-examination throughout the year, trying to learn from who I've been in the past, pondering who I am in the present, and thinking about who I want to be in the future. But I spend a little extra time on those things as the year starts to wind down and a new year sits tantalizing and inviting, with all it's intrigue and potential, shyly waving me over like a new friend. I am not one for true New Year's resolutions. Rather, I constantly strive for self-improvement in incremental steps that are easier to take than the huge leaps that almost guarantee failure. But even though I'm not a true resolution girl, I have become a "word" girl. I have chosen a word (or words) for myself the last couple years--or rather the words have chosen me. In a magical process I don't fully understand, the words have come to me, and I have known with certainty that they were to be the theme of my entire year. 

My word for 2020 was "gratitude," which I received way before I knew the kind of year 2020 was going to be for me personally and for the world at large. I am certain that having that word as the backdrop for that year was instrumental in helping me survive it. 

For 2021, I was given "love" and "forgiveness." I really struggled with these words at first, but I knew I needed healing in my life and those seemed like stretch goals and therefore good ones to aim for, so I decided to fully embrace them. I assumed I would mostly need to apply them to relationships with other people, and I did have the opportunity to do a fair amount of that. But what surprised and delighted me (and made me decidedly uncomfortable sometimes) was how often I was able to apply them to myself and how very much I needed them. I have learned that loving myself--and by extension, forgiving myself--is everything. Only when I love and forgive myself can I show up for myself, my kids, my friends, my co-workers, and even perfect strangers in any sort of meaningful way. I can only truly love others when I truly love me, and after a year of digging in on that, I can say I absolutely do.

The words I've been given for 2022 are "happiness" and "joy." My understanding of the difference in the words is that happiness is more of a temporary, circumstantial experience, and joy is more of a permanent mindset which is not dependant on any particular circumstance. I'm excited to surround myself in the coming year with people and experiences that contribute to both of these. And I'm thankful I have granted myself permission to fully explore them. I want 2022 to be a year of smiles, laughter, and fun, and I want to feel a sense of joy, even during times that may feel difficult. 

It is interesting to me that the words I've been given these last few years have a cumulative effect. If I had not learned gratitude, I would not have been able to learn love and forgiveness. And without fully embracing love and forgiveness, I would not be able to seek happiness and joy. 

Do you pick a word for the year (or does one pick you)? If so, I would love to hear what your word for 2022 is or what some of your words have been in the past and the story of how they have shaped you. If not, maybe you want to consider choosing a word to act as your guide through this new year.

I wish you all kinds of hope, beauty, and magic in 2022!

Words Read, Heard, and Written in 2021

As the year comes to a close, it is natural to reflect on the past year. People do this in all sorts of ways--from reviewing their music playlists to looking through their photos to reading through journal entries from the past year. In addition to those things, I also like to look through my list of books read and listened to (and written, if applicable). I consider each thing on these lists an accomplishment and am proud I can claim so many. I thought I'd share my lists here to make them easier to look back on in the future and to give you an idea of some of the things that have been shaping me this year. Also, if you are looking for some good reads in 2022, the ones marked with * are the ones I enjoyed the most and/or found profound wisdom to aid in my personal growth. These are the ones from the list I would highly recommend. The last thing shared in this post is a reading challenge for 2022 that a friend of mine posted on Facebook. I haven't decided if I will try to do this, but it's a fun concept.

Books Read: 15

1. *The Daily Stoic--Ryan Holiday
2. Black-eyed Susans--Julia Heaberlin
3. *Ella Minnow Pea--Mark Dunn
4. Firefly Lane--Kristin Hannah
5. *Braving the Wilderness--Brené Brown
6. *The Sanatorium--Sarah Pearse
7. The Four Winds--Kristin Hannah
8. The Brave Art of Motherhood--Rachel Marie Martin
9. Learned Optimism--Martin Seligman
10. Life and Other Inconveniences--Kristin Higgins
11. *The Four Agreements--Don Miguel Ruiz
12. The People We Meet on Vacation--Emily Henry
13. The Human Comedy--William Saroyan
14. *Daring Greatly--Brené Brown
15. Eat, Pray, Love--Elizabeth Gilbert

Audiobooks Heard: 31

1. Option B--Sheryl Sandberg
2. The Book of Lost Things--John Connolly
3. The Library Book--Susan Orlean
4. The Buddha in the Attic--Julie Otsuka
5. The Stillwater Girls--Minka Kent
6. Such a Fun Age--Kiley Reid
7. *The Giver of Stars--Jojo Moyes
8. The Bonesetter's Daughter--Amy Tan
9. *The Alchemist--Paulo Coelho
10. The Five Love Languages of Teenagers--Gary Chapman
11. The Bookwoman of Troublesome Creek--Kim Michele Richardson
12. The Hill We Climb--Amanda Gorman
13. Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance--Angela Duckworth
14. And the Mountains Echoed--Khaled Hosseini
15. All the Missing Girls--Megan Miranda
16. Life Reimagined: The Science, Art, and Opportunity of Midlife--Barbara Bradley Hagerty
17. How I Learned to Understand the World--Hans Rosling
18. *The Archer--Paulo Coelho
19. Greenlights--Matthew McConaughey
20. Into the Water--Paula Hawkins
21. Olive Kitteridge--Elizabeth Strout
22. The Prayer Box--Lisa Wingate
23. The Dutch House--Ann Patchett
24. *Untamed--Glennon Doyle
25. *Furiously Happy--Jenny Lawson
26. The Book of Speculation--Erika Swyler
27. Embrace the Suck: The Navy SEAL Way to an Extraordinary Life--Brent Gleeson
28. The Library of the Unwritten--A.J. Hackwith
29. *Presence--Amy Cuddy
30. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck--Mark Manson
31. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society--Annie Barrows and Mary Ann Shaffer

Books Written: 0

***BUT***

Blog Posts Written: 27

1. Success
2. Outside the Box
3. Enough
4. Beautifully Broken
5. Saltwater Cures
6. I See You Being Brave
7. A Tribute to Moms
8. Small Steps to Well-being
9. Value
10. The Puzzle of Life
11. Weak is the New Strong
12. Happiness Lessons from a Dog
13. Cleaning Out the Garage (and the Mind)
14. Getting Comfortable with the Woman in the Mirror
15. "New"vember Resolutions
16. Breathe in Happy
17. Pretend You're Good At It
18. Happiest Person You Know
19. It Isn't Love; It Isn't Hate; It's Just Indifference
20. I Like You Just the Way You Are
21. Be the Friend Who Brings the Light
22. No Life Without Death
23. Two Bare Feet In the Water Kind of Brave
24. End of November Update
25. Mind the Gap
26. Today is the Darkest Day
27. Words Read, Heard, and Written

Journals Filled: 2